


Can't help falling for you!

by Glitterwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-01
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 10:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 24,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/526311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitterwriter/pseuds/Glitterwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span>  Adam is with Sauli and he wants it to work. Because he wants to have a serious relationship. And he will make it, right after he will stop thinking about Tommy. He is sure, he will make it. </span>
  <br/>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love the fact that Adam is with Sauli in real life. They seem to be very happy together. But in this fic, they won't stay together. So if you are looking for a happy Sauli/Adam story, this is not one of those. 
> 
> I had trouble writing happy Sauli/Adam, but looks like it will happen soon ;D
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: it's just my imagination, I don't own the guys, even if I really would like to ;-) But I own the story. Don't tweet this to any person I am using here. 

  
The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com). Thank you so much!

Adam is back in his place. Alone. Somehow sad, somehow relieved. But alone. All alone. It’s silent and empty around him. And he doesn’t know if he likes it or not. It’s so different now to be alone. After Sauli got back home. Adam sighs. He pulls his shoes off and throws his jaket on the wardrope. He goes to his living room. There are still some dishes left after the last breakfast with Sauli. Adam stops moving as the thought crosses his mind: Last breakfast? Really, THE last one? He shakes his head. 

Sauli is a nice guy and really cute and spending time with him is fun. Adam haven’t felt so good as with Sauli since ages. Ok, this isn’t really true. He had a lot of good times during the last year. But spending time with Sauli was different. He likes Sauli and he could fall for him. And why not? Sauli is a type of man he always dreamt about. They have the same taste in so many things. The same music, the same movies, the same food preferences, the same clothes. Like everything. It’s perfect and easy. Sauli looks up to Adam in a way that is adorable. And he is hanging on every word and every move Adam makes. He lets Adam be the leader. It is easy with Sauli. And perfect. 

But maybe it is too easy and maybe Sauli is too perfect. But is there a need for relationships to be complicated and stressful? Maybe now it is the time in his life to have something just easy and perfect. Withoutstruggle. Something that is just working. Who said that a relationsship must always be hard work? You don’t have to take a huge risk to get the love of your life, do you? And who said that beeing in love means that you have to lose your mind? It doesn’t have to be like the person you are with is the only thing you think about the whole day. It’s not like Adam would be a teenager and for the fist time in love. He had been there before. And maybe it will work better when the feelings he would have for his boyfriend would be not all-consuming but just good and maybe even controlled.

Maybe his former relationships broke apart because it was all full of drama and tears and the feeling of a neverending love. Ok, it was really good while it lasted. He had an amazing time and he was really happy and he was on cloud number nine and he had butterflies in his stomach and he felt like walking over a meadow and touching the sky. But when it ended it was like dying. Like someone pulled his heart out of his chest and was jumping on it. So maybe he is now just too old for that and the time for fucking butterflies and romantic stuff and falling in love without thinking about consequences is over. He could have now a relationship like an adult. With plans for future, with a joined bank account, with a shared house, maybe even with a marriage and kids. All the things people have when they are in a serious relationship. They want to have a future and not fucking butterflies. 

Adam sighs and looks out of the window. 

_ I need something to hold on and to build a future around. Something real and not a fairytale. Not a dream that won’t come true. I just have to let go and forget about what could have been with Tommy. Because this is something that never will be. Tommy will always be just a friend.  _

__

So maybe Sauli could be the person he could be with for the rest of his life. Yeah he could imagine that. He really likes Sauli. And when they would get to know each other better, he could fall in love with him. Over the time it could really happen. He is nice and handsome. And it’s so easy to be around him. No rules, no holding back, no thinking about labels and what they could mean. No boundries. Just perfect. 

Adam looks up on the clock. It’s past 4 in the afternoon. Sauli is now somewhere over the ocean. Adam knew he would miss Sauli. It was really fun having him around. But there is a part of him that is relieved that Sauli is gone. And Adam doesn’t really know why. It’s a strange feeling. Like he was under pressure the last days with Sauli. Like he didn’t get enough air to breathe. Adam shakes his head. The thoughts are really stupid. He likes Sauli. Probably he was just too long alone and needs some time to get used to be back in a relationship. Yeah, that is for sure the reason. 

His phone beeps. He pulls it out of his pocket and smiles. It’s Tommy asking if he wanted to hang with him and some other friends. Now that Sauli is gone Tommy thought he could need some people around. Adam calls Tommy. “Hey, where are you? Yeah I know that place. I am there in about 20 minutes, ok? Yeah find a silent corner, I don’t need any paparrazzi today. No, I am ok, a little strange, you know. We can talk later. Bye.” He ends the call to get ready to leave. He is really happy to meet his friends and Tommy. He ignores the small skip his heart did when he thought about Tommy. _Remember, just a friend!_ Then he leaves his place. 


	2. Chapter 2

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

Tommy puts his phone in his pocket. He walks back to Taylor and Isaac. "He will be here in 20 minutes. We should get in and find a silent place in the back." They walk in the bar. The owner knows them and shows them to follow him. They finally sit down and order some drinks.

"So how is he doing?" Isaac asks first. Tommy shrugs. "Don't know, but he sounded sad. We will see." Taylor nods. "I think it must be strange for him to be alone now, after Sauli was there. They just started to date and now he had to go back. I can imagne that sucks." Tommy sighs. "I think we should wait until he will be here. I don't feel right talking about Sauli when Adam is not around. It's not our buisness, is it?" He looks from Taylor to Isaac. "Tommy, we are just worried about a friend. It's not like we are talking with strangers about their relation. Calm down." Isaac is confused about Tommys reaction. "Yeah I know, but I really don't want to talk about them. We can talk about your plans Taylor." Tommy tries to change the subject. "Hey, dude. I don't get what the problem is. When we were on tour we talked about the relations of everyone of us. What is different now?" Even Taylor is confused now. "It was never about Adam and he is technically our boss." States Tommy. Taylor and Isaac are about to burst out with laughter. "What?" Tommy is getting upset. "Tommy, are you serious? Did Adam ever acted like a fucking boss to you?" Tommy rolls his eyes and Isaac continues with a sassy look on his face. "So, I think you don't want to talk about it, because you are jealous, aren't you?" Tommy almost chokes on his beer and gives Isaac an evil glare. But he doesn't get a chance to answer, because Adam comes in and waves to them.

He falls down on the seat beside Tommy and looks from one friend to another. "Did I interrupt an interesting discussion? Should I leave for a while?" He asks them smiling while he takes off his leather jacket. Isaac looks at Tommy and Tommy gives him a 'shut-up'-look. "Hey, guys? Now I start to think you were talking about me." He is laughing. Tommy laughs back. "Yeah we were talking about how bossy you were during the tour. And how happy we are now not to be punished by you anymore." Adam grins at him and waves to the waiter. He orders drinks for all. "So, what's up guys?" They start to talk and it is like ever since they met. Just talking, laughing, drinking. Tommy is almost relaxing as Adams phone gets off. "I have to take it, sorry. Be right back." He turns away from the table while he picks up. "Hey, babe! How was your flight?" He walks away, so the others don't hear more of his conversation.

Isaac looks at Tommy. "What?" Tommy asks him somehow angry now. Isaac grins at him and says. "Calm down, I just wanted to know if you want a beer. God, you are acting strange as soon as you hear 'Sauli'. "Fuck off, Isaac! I am not acting strange!" Tommy is now really angry. "You are! I can understand you. I mean for the last months you were something like Adams boyfriend, even if it was platonic. But now things have changed, so you..." But Tommy doesn't listen anymore. He jumps up. "I don't have to listen to this bullshit. I will go to a have a slash now and when I am back, I hope you can let go of this. Otherwise I will leave." Isaac ducks away. But when he is watching Tommy walking towards the bathroom he can't help but is grinning.

Taylor is laughing at him. "Hey, what are you doing? You know they both won't get their heads out of their asses. How many times did we two discuss about this? They are a lost cause." Isaac sighs. "I know we talked about it like a hundered times. But I love them both, they are like brothers to me. And I hate that they are walking on eggshells around themselves. Neither of them able to admit even to themselves that they are far beyond friendship. It hurts to see them like this. And I hoped so much that Tommy will get a hint and fight for Adam now that Adam met Sauli." Isaac watches out while he moved closer to Taylor. "Don't get me wrong, I really like Sauli. He is cool. But he is not the right one for Adam." Taylor smiles at Isaac: "And you think Tommy is?" Isaac nods.

"Tommy is what?" Adam is out of nowhere back in his seat. Isaac flinches back and is not really able to say something. "Tommy is a really good guitar player, isn't he, Isaac?" Taylor locks his eyes with Isaacs giving him the 'don't dare to say anything'-look. "Yeah, he is." Isaac says like he was told. Adam looks at them in confusion. "Guys I don't know what is up to you tonight, but you are acting weird. Even for you. So, whatever you were drinking, change the drink!" He is laughing, obviously in a good mood. Isaac jumps on the possibility to change the subject. "Is Sauli back home?" Adam smiles. "Yeah, he is fine. A little tired and I think somehow sad, but he is fine. It was nice to hear his voice. He is sending greetings to you." And then Tommy is back and Isaac gives him a silent nod. 'I won't say anything else.' And they are good again. And Tommy is looking at Adam, just to see an absent smile on Adams face. And he knows, Adam is fine.

And after a couple of drinks, they are sitting together in the corner like they did it over the last months. Adams arm is around Tommys back, Tommys head on Adams shoulder. Adam is laughing about something Taylor is talking about. Tommy doesn't even care about it. He doesn't care about anything but the feeling of home. The feeling he always has when Adam is around. Like nothing else matters. And he is relaxing into Adams touch as Adam starts to pat his back. And then Adam is whispering in his ear. "I am tired. Do you need a ride home?" And Tommy smiles at him and says "Yeah, bring me home." And they stand up and after waving 'good bye' they leave. And Isaac and Taylor watch them walking away. And Isaac can't stop himself from shaking his head. "They won't ever get the hint, will they?" Taylor turns around to Isaac. "Isaac, I can understand you, but it's not your job to tell them what they don't see. Or maybe don't want to see. If they are ment to be together, they will get there. But it's not your mission to get them there." Isaac sighs. "I know, I know."


	3. Chapter 3

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

 

Adam is driving. He didn't really drink at all because he didn't want to leave his car there. Tommy sleeps in the passenger seat. His face is turned to Adam, his bangs in his face. Adam looks at him over and over again. Tommy is beautiful. He is perfect and Adams heart is aching while he watches him. But he shouldn't do that. He should stop it. Soon the ride will be over. Adam will be at Tommys place and Tommy will leave. But right now he imagines that he could drive with Tommy through the night.

As he is parking in front of Tommys house he sighs. He is tired and he doesn't want to go home. But he can't stay with Tommy. Not tonight. He is not enough in selfcontrol, things could become strange. So he turnes to Tommy and he brushes the bangs out of Tommys face. He whispers his name, afraid to break the silence. And he moves closer to Tommy and whispers again. And then Tommy opens his eyes and sees Adams face only inches away. And they froze both in their movements. They just stare in each other eyes, unable to move, unable to think, almost unable to breathe. And Tommy feels the urge to kiss Adam and he almost gives in, but then Adams phone goes off. They jump away from each other and Adam looks on the phone. And he feels somehow guilty as he sees that he has got a text from Sauli. And he doesn't understand why he feels guilty, nothing happend.

_But it could have._

And there is silence again. Awkward and hard to take. So unusual between them. And then it is too much and Tommy just wants to get away. And Adam doesn't know what he wants. But the silence is not them. Not at all. He looks over to Tommy. He still doesn't know what to say. This shouldn't be that strange.

Tommy is the one who breaks the silence. "I think I will go now, we are both tired. And I am drunk, really drunk." And he smiles, but it’s still awkward and he opens the door. And Adam doesn't want him to go like that. "Tommy, maybe we could meet in a few days for lunch or something?" And Tommy takes the hint. "Wonna date me Mr. Lambert? Then I prefer dinner and movie. And don't take me to one of this cheap restaurants with plastic table-cloth. Only the best for me!" And the tension is blown away and they are laughing again. They are back. "Ok, I will make it a night you won't forget Mr. Ratliff." Adam is smiling at Tommy. "I call you tomorrow. And now get your skinny ass outa here!" And Tommy is grinning at him and jumps out of the car. "Call me, don't forget it or I will stalk you via twitter." Adam grins back and waves to him. "Good night, kitty."

Tommy shuts the door and walks over to his house. And he smiles to himself about what a gentleman Adam is waiting for him to get in the house. He holds up his hand one last time and gets in. And then he leans against the door and shakes his head.

_What was this about? I am really too drunk._

He sighs and walks to his apartment. There he just jumps on his bed and pulls his shoes off. Then he is falling asleep while he tries to forget that he almost kissed Adam. This would have been so stupid at all.

Adam is driving for a while through the night. Thinking. Trying to calm down. Trying to... whatever. But it doesn't work. Then he is home again. Alone and confused. Not happy but not sad. Something in between. He sits down in his bed and pulls his boots off. Then he just falls backwards in the cold sheets.

_Fuck, I forgot Sauli! He texted me._

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks on the massage while he is laying in the bed. He has to smile as he reads: "Miss you. I am still in your timezone. I hate that I had to go. Kisses." And Adam feels guilty again. He sits up and brushes over his hair.

_I almost kissed Tommy!_

And he is happy, that he didn't. Something like happy. And he answers Sauli knowing that it is daytime in Finnland. "Miss you too. It's strange without you. Kisses back." And it is really strange without Sauli. Not in a bad kind of strange, just strange. And silent. And the bed is cold.

He stands up and walkes over to his bathroom. After taking a shower he is laying in his bed. And while he is drifting to sleep he sees images of Tommy and Sauli running around in his head. And he pushes his head in a pillow. Feeling stupid and guilty and tired and really stupid. After a while he falls asleep, dreaming about ... nothing.

 


	4. Chapter 4

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

 

Tommy wakes up and as soon as he opens his eyes he knows this is going to be a day in bed. With a hangover. He will just lay here, eat some unhealthy mexican food and watch DVD. And if someone will let him, he will whine about how bad he feels. He gets up and walks to his bathroom.

 

_My head will explode today. Need some pain killer. And water. A lot of water._

 

 He stambles over his shoes. _Fuck!_ He hurt his toe on something hard laying on the floor. He is jumping around the room holding his foot in his hand. Finally he falls to the ground, almost hitting his head on the table. Then he is laying on the floor laughing about himself. What a morning!

  
After taking some pills he is back in his bed again. He didn’t shower yet, just a catlick to be clean. He is drinking coffee and thinking about what he could watch. He flicks over the channels on TV. Nothing really interesting. He is bored. But he is also too tired to get up again and search after a DVD he could watch. So he keeps changing the channels until he stops on some music channel. _Adam!_ Of course it has to be ‘Whataya want fro me’, what else? Tommy turns the sound off and borrows his head into his pillow. When he looks up again he can see Adams face on the screen. And somehow Tommys finger finds the button to freeze the screen. And Adams face is there. Beautiful. And he seems to look at Tommy.

 

_I thought I was over you. I am sure, I was! I was!_

And Tommy can’t look away. And Adams face seems to be real and his eyes are so deep blue and Tommy is under a spell. And he feels how his heart is aching and he is getting angry. Angry about himself. Because obviously he is falling deeper and deeper and he knows he must stop it. And he can’t. And he is pulling all the force left in his body to turn the TV off.

 

He falls back into his pillow. He looks up on the ceiling and it seems like he would lose control. His fingers want to grab his phone and call Adam. Just to hear his voice. But he can’t give in. Adam is happy now. And Tommy is just confused. And he doesn’t know what he wants. And he doesn’t want to be with Adam. At least not yet. And he missed the chance to talk to Adam while they were on tour. While Adam was single and while things were easier.

 

Tommy sighs. Because things were never easy enough to talk to Adam about whatever was running round in his head. About what was driving him crazy. And he was not ready for this. He was not ready for Adam. And now Adam found Sauli. And his chance to talk to Adam is blown away. Because he doesn’t want a relationship. And Sauli does. And Adam deserves that. Adam wants this. He always talked about having a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair when Tommy would tell Adam that he might feel more for him. Maybe Tommy would feel better then, but what about Adam? He would confuse him for nothing at all.

 

Because Tommy was over Adam. Almost. During the tour he was struggling with himself. And as soon as the tour was over he felt better. He was forgetting about the feeling of Adams lips and Adams hands on him. And they didn’t see each other often. They were busy. And Tommy thought that the feelings he had during the tour were just caused by the lack of space between them. And after the tour it seemed as he was right. He didn’t think over and over about Adam. Not at all. But when he was in Adams car and he almost kissed him, all the feelings came back and now Tommy doesn’t know how to get them under control.

 

And that all wasn’t that bad as long as he was drunk. But now he is sober and his heart is aching for Adam. This is just bad, really bad. He must stop this if he doesn’t want to lose Adam as a friend. He has to make sure that he doesn’t blur the lines between them. He has to stay away from Adams body. No more hugs. No more kisses. Definitely no kisses.

 

Ok, the kiss-thing shouldn’t be a problem, because the tour is over and they won’t perform ‘Fever’ for a while. He must just make sure that situations like the night before won’t happen again. He can make it. And he must find a solution for this hug-thing. Because Adam is a cuddler and they cuddle often and Tommy likes it. Adam won’t understand if they stop now. And Tommy has no idea how to explain this without giving away his secret. So he will have to find a way to deal with the hugs. Maybe he could think about something awful while Adam will hug him. Yeah, that should work. Hopefully.

 

And after a while he will forget about whatever there is or was between them. He will make it. For sure. Someday. And he will be a good friend for Adam. And things will get back to normal. He must just be careful.

 

_I will forget you, I just have to._

 

And Tommy wants to call Adam again, but he resists the urge. It would be too hard to take now. He must prepare himself. And he has to start preparing himself now. Adam will call him soon and they want to go out the next days. And he can’t hide away from Adam. He would know that there is something wrong. And this would be awkward. And things have to get back to normal. And easy. Tommy is ready to take the fight and to make sure things will get back to normal.

 

_I will forget you, I promise. And ‘til then I will suffer in silence and I will laugh with you and I will be your friend. And I will be ok._

_Somehow._

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

 

 

_It will be better in a few seconds. Keep breathing, just keep breathing. In and out. In and out. Like that. Just breathe._

 

Tommy looks up in the mirror. And he opens his mouth to breathe. He tries to remember the damn breathing thing he has learned with Isaac and his wife when they were in this yoga class. And eventually he can breathe again and he calms down. He looks around. Adam has a nice bathroom in his new house. And it’s huge. Tommy could put his own bathroom three times in this one. Tommy lets cold water run over his wrists and it feels good. He turns the water off and towels his hands.

 

_Ok, it should be ok again. I can make it._

Tommy hoped things wouldn’t be that hard. But they are. Because they are not in a fancy restaurant, they will eat here in Adams new place. And it’s hard to take, because Tommy can’t escape from the intimate atmosphere between them. And he doesn’t have a good plan to get away after the dinner, because he didn’t know they would be here. And this evening will be the hardest one since ages. But he can survive. He has to. But he will have to find a reason to leave after dinner. He just has to think about an excuse for this.

 

Tommy steps out of the bathroom. Adam is busy in the kitchen. The food was delivered a few minutes ago. Tommy is standing in the door frame. Just watching Adam. And he likes what he sees. Adam is unpacking stuff and he is putting it on plates and in bowls. And this is lovely because Tommy doesn’t like to eat out of the boxes. And Adam is so busy he doesn’t see that Tommy is back. And this is good, because Tommy can watch him a little longer without being careful. Without the fear Adam could see his secret. Because right now in Tommys face is nothing but pure affection towards Adam. And he likes the warm feeling which is floating him. And he enjoyes it for a while.

 

But before he allows himself to get lost in all this, his senses click back in the right positions and he is aware of the fact that he is here for a friend. And Tommy is back in friendmood. “Hey, can I help you?” Adam turns around and smiles. “You could just get us some drinks out of the fridge. Then you can sit down, I am almost ready.” And Tommy does as he is told. And he leaves the kitchen and he sits there and waits. And then Adam is there with all the food. It smells good. And Tommy relaxes again. Everything seems to be good.

 

“What is this all actually? I hope not just veg?” Adams grins at him. “It’s some chinese stuff. And of course there is some meat and fish. I don’t know the names of the dishes at all, but I am pretty sure you will like it. And I have also a dessert. So let’s just start.” And then it’s easy like always. They eat and they talk and they laugh. And Adam is trying to convince Tommy to try some soya food. And Tommy tries it and he doesn’t like it. And they are laughing hard because Adam doesn’t like it either. Tommy feels good the whole time. And the dessert is really good. Chocolaty and sweet. And he can breathe.

 

And then the dinner is over. And they are on Adams couch. And Tommy clasps his drink just to hold into something. And he has still no idea how to get away, but he doesn’t have the chance to get away. Because suddenly Adam looks at him. “Can I talk to you about...” He seems to have problems finding the right words. And Tommy is helping him. “Yes, you can talk with me about Sauli.” And he smiles while his heart is aching. But he promised to make it. And he will. And Adam doesn’t see the struggle inside of Tommy. And he takes a deep breath. “Thank you. I was almost choking because I couldn’t talk with anyone.” He leans back in the couch, his eyes on Tommy.

 

“I don’t know how it can work out with him. I mean I am here, he is like a million miles away. This is strange. And we don’t even live in the same timezone and his days are starting earlier than mine. And this is really strange.” Tommy is laughing about this. “Are you kidding me?” “I know it’s stupid to think like he would live some hours ahead in the future, but it feels like that.” And he is also laughing about it. But it’s a sad laugh. And Tommy can feel the sadness. It hurts him. But he wants to listen. He has to.

_I am your friend. I can do this._

 

And Adam keeps talking but now his eyes are wandering over the couch, the table, the floor. “And I want it to work. I like him and it could easily turn to something serious with him. He is... he is...perfect. And this is scaring the shit out of me. Because he doesn’t challenge anything. And somehow I like it that way. But somehow it seems like it shouldn’t be that easy.” Adam sighs.

 

“Don’t you like it, when things are easy?” Tommys voice is calm. Adam looks up to him. “I do, I think. No, I do, I mean. I don’t know.” Tommy smiles at him. “What do you miss? For me it seems like you are searching for a reason to dump him.” Adam sighs. “No, it’s not like that. Maybe I should just stop waiting for a big bang and hearts around my eyes and just enjoy the simple fact that I like to be around him.” “But you miss the big bang?” Adams looks again away from Tommy. “Yeah, somehow I miss it. But on the other hand I think that maybe it will work better this way. Things are calmer between us. Maybe I am just afraid because it’s difficult to have a relationship over this big distance. How can we get to know eachother, when we see us only for a few days in a month. And things would rush to much when I would offer him to come to me for a longer time. Because it would force us to kind of live together without knowing each other. Do you know what I mean?” And Tommy nods, he knows.

 

“Adam, I can’t really imagine having a relationship over a distance for me. I had it once. But then we broke up soon, because it felt like it was not really about being together but about having sex. We met every two weeks and spend the whole weekend in bed. It was great, don’t get me wrong. But when I was thinking about what we had in common, there was not much left beside the sex.” Tommy tries to find Adams eyes, but fails. Adam keeps looking away. “No, it’s not just about sex between Sauli and me. We... I mean... we didn’t... you know.” Adam is blushing and Tommy thinks how adorable this is. And then he realizes what Adam said.

 

_They didn’t have sex!_

“You didn’t have sex with him?” Adam shakes his head. “No, I’m not like that. I need time. We just ... you know... we kissed and made out, but nothing more.” And Tommy tries so hard not to let Adam see how relieved he is. But Adam isn’t even looking at him. And then Tommy needs to know and cups Adams face to force him to look at him.

 

_Oh, fuck, those eyes...._

And he asks him. “Do you love him?” Adam swallows and tries to escape from Tommys grip. But Tommy is strong. There is no way out. “Not yet, but I could fall for him.” And Tommy is surprised again how much this is relieving him.

 

_I am so not over him._

And Tommy lets go and Adam leans back again, his eyes closed. “I could really fall for him. I like him. He is nice, isn’t he?” He looks up and Tommy nods. Then Tommy gets up and get them some more alcohol. He needs is now. And Adam seems to think the same. They are sitting in silence for a while and drinking. And Tommy is again thinking about a plan to get out of here. But he wants to be a good friend. So he is waiting for a sign that Adam wants to be alone.

 

“Should we watch TV?” Adam obviously doesn’t want to be alone. And Tommy is a good friend and nods. “Sure, why not.” And Adam gets up to turn the TV on and they watch something. But Tommy doesn’t really care. He is just enjoying being here. And they sit together, shoulder on shoulder and at some point Adam falls asleep. And he leans against Tommy, his head on Tommy shoulder. And Tommy is waiting.

 

He is waiting until Adams breath is steady and deep and Tommy knows Adam is sleeping. Then he carefully gets up and lets Adam sink in the pillows. And he tucks Adam in a blanket. Then he sits there on the floor right in front of Adams face. And he looks at Adams face and it hurts. And he wants so badly to touch, but he isn’t allowed. And his heart is breaking. And he knows he has to go. And he writes a note for Adam. Then he gets up and walks to the door. He turns around at the door to catch a last glimpse of Adams face. “You are so beautiful” he whispers and shuts the door behind him.

 


	6. Chapter 6

  
The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

He wakes up when his phone goes off. He realizes that he is alone and sleeping on his couch. It’s almost dark. There is just a small flare of light from the lamp behind his TV. He takes a look on his phone. It’s about 4 o’clock in the morning. He can’t open his eyes enough to be able to read the text he has got. So he sits up and looks around. He is scratching over his skalp, trying to remember why he is on his couch. Then he sees two glasses on the table. He smiles a little. 

__

_ Yeah, Tommy was here. But why is he gone? And when? _

Adam looks around. But before he can start to worry, he sees the note on the table. He takes it and tries to read it. It’s hard because his eyes don’t want to open completely. He shakes his head and blinks a few times. Then he can see. 

“Adam! I had to go, but you are sleeping anyway. Call me when you need to talk. I think we will see us the next days! Tommy.”

Adams leans back in the couch and throws the note away. Somehow he is really sad that he had to wake up alone. Maybe he was hoping it would be like it was on tour when they all fell asleep in front of the TV. Tommy in his arms. He sighs. He really should stop thinking like that. 

He closes his eyes for a moment. Then he gets up and walks towards his bedroom. He strips out of his clothes and then he reminds himself that he woke up because of a message he has got on his phone. So he walks naked back to his living room to get his phone. He is smiling while he is reading the text. Sauli must have forgotten that in LA is early morning when he texted. Adam opens the message:

“Hey! Wonna see me today? I am in San Francisco for two days to do a job here. Do you have time to come over? I really need to see you. Sorry when I woke you up, couldn’t wait.”

_ What? Sauli is here? We are at the same time in the same time zone? Amazing! _

__

Adam is laughing while he is dailing Saulis number. “I was afraid, you wouldn’t call me anymore.” Adam is laughing at this. “No, it took me some time to wake up, sorry! Wow, why didn’t you tell me earlier, you will be here?” “I had to act on impulse. They called me yesterday afternoon and then I had to pack some stuff and catch the flight. And here I am.” Sauli paused, waiting. The silence was awkward. “Adam?” And Adam realizes then that Sauli wants to know if they can see each other. “Sorry, I was kind of amazed that you are only an hour away from me. When do you have time?” “I have some stuff to do until noon and then tomorrow in the evening. I will flight tomorrow night back. Can you get there today in the afternoon? And stay until tomorrow?” Sauli sounds nervous. Adam smiles in the phone. “Yeah, I can be there. Text me the adress. I will try to get a flight. I am so happy you are here!” “Me too. See you in a few hours, babe!” “Can’t wait.” Adam ends the call and lets himself fall on his bed. When he realizes that he was talking with Sauli while he was naked it’s kind of embarrassing for a moment. He shakes his head and then he is calling the airport to get a flight. Once everything is managed, he sets the alarm and falls asleep. 

******

Tommy takes another drink. He had already too much to feel good. Now he is just drunk. And alone. He is in a bar where he was a few times before. And he is talking to Jack, Jack Daniels. Since hours. And now he is on a point he knows he should stop. And he takes the last sip and gets up. 

When he turns around he meets amazing blue eyes and he shrugs. But then he sees that it isn’t Adam, it’s a girl. A really beautiful one. With nice blue eyes, black hair and with a beautiful smile on her face. “Hi! You are Tommy Joe, arent’ you? We met after a concert in summer. But I don’t think you remember.” He doesn’t, but he smiles. “Do you want to drink something with me, Tommy Joe?” Her voice is dripping sex. And he likes it. Somehow. And he nods and sits back on the barstool. And she sits next to him and he orders drinks for them. And she is really beautiful and they talk. He doesn’t even know her name, maybe she said it, but he is too drunk to care. 

And then they leave the bar together. And Tommy is in the flirtmood. And maybe he could have some fun today. Just like this. And when they step outside, she takes his hand. And it’s nice. And then somehow they are standing behind the bar. And she is leaning against the wall and Tommy in front of her. And she is stroking over his face. And then they kiss. And this is a kiss that is a promise. A promise of sex without any regrets, without obligations, without heartbreak. Like an already forgiven sin. Right in front of him. 

And Tommy is willing to give in and let go. And they are making out in the alley behind the bar. And she is breathing his name in his ear. And Tommy looks in her eyes and they kiss again. And it’s hot and he let his hands wander over her body. Her body is soft and she is pulling him closer. And her hands are on his back, under his t-shirt and he is moaning in her mouth. And her hands are then on his jeans, trying to open the buttons and Tommy freaks out. He grabs her hand and looks in her eyes. “Stop, I can’t do this.” He is breathing hard. “Ok, we can take a cab and get to my place.” She is pure temptation. And he could slap himself right now. “No, I can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry.” She looks at him with a slight anger in her eyes. She pulls away, her arms crossed in front of her chest. “What the fuck, Tommy Joe?” He sighs. “Sorry, but I am not like that. I don’t know why I did let it get this far. I’m sorry.” She just walks away. “Fuck you, Tommy Joe!” 

And he is standing there, trembling and feeling stupid. 

_ I am sorry, but you are not Adam. And I can’t pretend that I want you, when the only one I truely want is him.  _

__

He feels awful and sorry. Hopefuly that girl won’t tweet about how stupid he was. Because this was stupid at all. And he is missing Adam and he is wishing he did stay. 

He steps back to the street. First he wants to call a cab, but then he decides to walk a few minutes. And the cool air is washing over him. And he feels like his eyes were burning and a single tear is running down his cheek. And then he waves to get a cab and to get home. And he is exhausted and sad and lost. And when he arrives in his place, he can’t stop himself from crying. Because he is drunk and he is alone and his heart is broken. And this is fucking hurting him right now. And he falls on his bed and sobs in his pillow. 

_ I don’t know how I will survive this.  _


	7. Chapter 7

  


The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

Tommy wakes up with a groan. Hangover, once again! He takes a look on his clock and he shrugs. He slept the whole day, it’s almost evening. And his mouth tastes like something died in there. And he is tired. He gets up and walks over to his bathroom. He feels better after a shower and after brushing his teeth. So much better. 

He had too much alcohol last night and he doesn’t remember everything what happened after he left Adam. But he knows there was this girl, whose name still doesn’t display in his memory. And he made out with her in the alley behind this bar. The memory is flashing across his mind. This was stupid, he could have been seen with her. And worst of all: she was a stranger and they were alone in a dark alley! He should try to be more careful. He takes his phone to see whats going on. He missed some calls, nothing important. But he shrugs when he sees that he has got like 200 tweets. 

__

_ Shit! Probably someone has seen me. Maybe she put something on twitter?I am really stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!  _

__

And with a sigh he starts to check his tweets. The first ones are nothing interesting, the same stuff as everyday. But then he sees this one:

“@tommyjoeratliff Have you seen this one? WTF?”

And Tommy closes his eyes and he mutters: ”Fuck, there are pictures from yesterday! I am such an idiot!” And before he can think straight or look any further on the other tweets, he clicks on the link right behind the text. And then his face drops. 

Because there are not pictures of him. No, it’s Adam. Adam sitting with Sauli in an restaurant. Adam holiding hands with Sauli. Adam smiling at Sauli. Adam whispering something in Saulis ear. And there is Saulis hand on Adams neck. They seem to be so close. Maybe there is even more to see, but Tommy doesn’t want to see more. He throws his phone over the room without a care if it will break or not. 

And he resists the urge to call Adam to ask what this is about. Because it’s none of his business. And it would be stupid to ask why Adam didn’t tell him that he will see Sauli. They don’t owe each other anything. But still he feels the jealousy creeping over his body and it hurts. But he is not drunk, so he won’t cry. He doesn’t want to cry at all. And his heart is aching and he doesn’t have a clue how to get over it. But he knows he has to. He wants to be a friend. 

_ Adam looks so happy. He must be happy to see Sauli.I should be happy for him. I really should. But I’m not. And I hate this. It’s like I would betray him. Pretending to be a good friend who is happy for him. But I am so far away from beeing happy for him. I just can’t!  _

__

He feels awful. He doesn’t like to be like that. He doesn’t like to pretend. He wants to be honest. He would like to say to Adam, that Sauli isn’t the right man for him. And that Adam is acting foolish to take a chance on Sauli just because he is there. That he is stupid not to wait for a love coming with a big bang. He should have said this yesteraday, but he didn’t. And now Adam is with Sauli and he will probably fall in love with Sauli, because Sauli is so easy and perfect. Tommy rolls his eyes about himself. He shouldn’t think like that about Sauli. Sauli is not an enemy. He is just a guy who fell in love with Adam Lambert. Nothing Tommy is feeling right now is Saulis fault. He can only blame himself.

But now it’s too late for regrets. Too late to say what he should have said yesterday or even a while ago. He has to deal with the consequenses by himself. He just have to find a way to let Adam go. And he has to find a way to get over Adam without letting Adam know that something is wrong. So hopefully he will have some time until they will see each other again. And hopefully he will be able to prepare himself. 

And he falls back on his bed. And he decides that today is the last day he will wallow in self-pity because of Adam. Really the last day. Tomorrow he will start a life without thinking about Adam this way. Without wishing it would be him on the pictures holding hands and hearing whispers and smiling happily. He will be only a friend with just friendly feelings towards Adam. And he will also be a friend with Sauli. Maybe not a really good one, but still a friend. 

But today he wants the pain to swap over him. And he can feel the dark emotions crawl up his spine. And he welcomes the tears and the feeling of knots in his stomach. And he is laying on his bed and he feels like his heart is exploding. And he has troubles to breathe until he can just let the pain take control. And the pain is overhelming and dark. And he feels like something inside of him is dying. And it hurts. And a part of him wants the pain to stop and wants to shout and punch something or someone, but he stays on his bed. He knows he has to get through it. So he is gripping the sheets and he lets the tears flow. And he stays like this the rest of this day and the whole night. And in the morning he is so tired, he just falls asleep. 

But he knows, he doesn’t feel better than the day before. And he has doubts that he won’t ever cry again because of Adam. And he knows that his broken heart is the price he has to pay when he wants to stay Adams friend. And he knows he will pay. And one day he will wake up and he will be over Adam. He will.  
  
Hopefully. 


	8. Chapter 8

  


The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

“I think we have some paps on us.” Adams voice sounds annoyed. He was really not happy to be seen with Sauli. All those speculations about them are really annoying. It doesn’t make things easier when they don’t have the freedom to find out what they are or what they could be. “I don’t care, honey!” Sauli tries to smile. “But I do! I just want to be with you without the eyes of the fucking press on us. I can’t believe that they are more interested in who I’m dating then in what I’m doing.” Adam is really angry now. And Sauli looks sad. “Sorry, I just wanted to see you, Adam. But if you…” Adam interrupts him. “Stop! This is not your fault, it’s somehow mine. I just forgot that I can’t go in the public with you without beeing seen. Sorry about this. I am really happy to see you, I just don’t want them to be around.” 

Sauli sighs. “We could go to my hotel room and get some food from room service and just stay there. Look, I just want to spend some time with you. We don’t have to go out. We can just… I don’t know. Maybe watch a movie?” Sauli is smiling. And Adam feels stupid. This should be a day he enjoys and now he is angry because of some paps. “You are right. Let us go to the hotel.” He takes Saulis hand. “I am really sorry for being so bitchy. I will make it up, I promise.” And he gives Sauli a seductive look before they leave the café. 

“So what do you want to see?” Sauli closes the door behind them. But Adam doesn’t answer. He just turns around and takes Sauli in his arms. And kisses him. He wanted to do this since he came to San Francisco. But he couldn’t until yet. And Sauli moans in his mouth and kisses back. And they stay like this for a while. Then Adam pulls away and looks at Sauli. “Hi. Nice to see you. I have been missing you.” And he gives Sauli a peck on his lips. And Sauli smiles back at Adam. “Hi. I am happy too.” And they kiss again. And Adam feels really good. 

Then they ordner food and sit down on the couch. Some movie is flickering on the screen, but they don’t really care. They enjoy their reunion and kiss and talk. And it’s just easy and nice and Adam forgets about the paps. Then they eat and they talk. Everything seems to be ok and Adam likes it that way. 

After a while they are making out on the couch. Their kisses are starting to get hotter and their tongues are fighting while they kiss. Clothes are taken within minutes and they are almost naked. Adam is kissing over Saulis neck and stroking over his body. And Sauli moans and is holding onto Adam. They move against each other, feeling their hardness between them. And Adam pulls away to look at Sauli. “You are so hot like this. Do you know that?” Sauli smiles and they kiss. But when Saulis hands are wandering down to Adams underwear Adam stops him. “Sorry, but I don’t want to rush things like that.” And Sauli looks up in Adams eyes. “It’s ok, we have time.” He kisses Adam and giggles. Adam looks at him and there is something in Saulis eyes, he can’t define. 

“What do you think, honey?” The moment the question is out of his mouth, Adam regrets it. Sauli looks deep in Adams eyes and strokes over his cheek. Then he cupps Adams face and says. “I am thinking about how much I already do love you.” And Adam feels bad, because he didn’t expect this and he can’t say it back. So he kisses Sauli. And he doesn’t answer, he just kisses him. And Sauli doesn’t seem to care about this, because he doesn’t say anything. And they don’t talk about it when they go to bed and neither when they say goodbye the next day. They are just holding each other in the hotel room and they kiss. And then Adam leaves. And when he sits in the cab to airport he can’t believe how relieved he is. And this is such a wrong feeling in so many ways. 

Then he is back in LA. And he is feeling awful. Sauli told him that he is in love with him and he just couldn’t answer. And now this confession is standing between them and he has to find out how to get over that. And he has to talk with somebody. His first thought is to call Tommy, but something inside of him is telling him that this is a wrong idea. He doesn’t even know why, but he gets the feeling that he can’t speak about this with Tommy. And this is a strange thought because Tommy is like his best friend. And they already talked about Sauli. And Tommy was ok with this. But still…

Adam calls Brad and they make an appointment to meet in the evening.

Adam is somehow nervous and doesn’t know why. He can’t wait until Brad is here. And then he just spits out: “Sauli told me he is in love with me.” Brad raises his eyebrow. “Hello to you too. I am happy to see you. How was your day?” Adam blushes slightly. “Sorry. I am just… it had to get out before I choke on it. But you are right, come in, take a seat. And I am also happy to see you.” And he gives Brad a small hug. And Brad is grinning while he sits down on Adams couch. “I was joking, it’s ok. You are just a little excited. So, is it good or bad?” Adam shrugs. “Don’t know.” Brad keeps his eyes on Adam. “And what did you say?” Adam sighs and sits down on the other side of the couch. “Nothing.” “Ok, so his confession was not good. And how are things now?” Adam leans back in the couch. “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it. It was somehow strange. He told me that he loves me and then I was acting like nothing happened.” Adam looks on the ceiling. 

“This is not good but maybe not as bad as it seems. I mean he didn’t act angry or something?” Adam shakes his head. “So maybe he just wanted to say it without getting an answer.” Brad doesn’t sound like he would mean it. Because honestly who is saying something like that without expecting an answer? And Adam knows that Brad is just trying to comfort him. “I don’t think so. I mean, we haven’t seen each other for a cupple of days. And I am really enjoying beeing with him, but it’s too early for anything that serious. And it’s somehow annoying me that he had to say this now. He should have waited, until I will be ready. I mean, this is too early. Fuck!” Adam is upset. “It was so easy between us and now it’s not. Now I am forced to think about what I feel.” Brad tries to get in eyecontact with Adam while Adam is looking around the room. “Adam, calm down. Look at me.” And then Adam does it. “So, you are not in love with Sauli?” Adam shrugs again “Not yet. I mean, I like him and I could fall for him. But right now, no I am not in love.” 

Brad shakes his head. “Is this here about the thing we talked some weeks ago?” Adam is confused. “Are you acting like this because of Tommy?” And Adams eyes are wandering back to the ceiling. “No, this is not about Tommy. You know Tommy is straight. There is no chance for us.” “And so you decided to take a chance on this cute gay guy to forget the cute straight guy?” Adam looks back to Brad. “When you say it like that it sounds like I am an asshole.” Brad rolls his eyes. “Honey, you ARE an asshole. Sorry, but it’s true. You have a crush on your straight best friend. Did you really think it would be a smart idea to date Sauli to forget about Tommy? Very grown-up. You can’t heal your broken heart by breaking someone else's heart. This is not right and you know that. And you fucking know, that Sauli is a sweetheart and you knew he would fall for you.” Brad is angry. And Adam knows he is right. And he has no clue what to do now. “You have to fix it, Adam. You know that. Damn!”

But then he sees tears in Adams eyes. He gets up and takes Adam in an embrace. “It’s ok, honey. It’s ok. You just have to talk things out with Sauli. You like him, so take a chance and fix it or let him go.” And he kisses Adams forehead. And he is holding Adam for a while in his arms. 


	9. Chapter 9

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

“Hi, it’s good to hear your voice. I miss you. And I was afraid, I have lost you.” Saulis voice is so far away. “Babe, I’m sorry. I was just...” But Sauli cuts in on Adam. “Adam, listen to me. I was kind of overhelmed last night. I mean, my confession. I know that it was too soon for that and I can clearly see that this is an issue between us. And I hate this.” Sauli sighs. “I didn’t want to put any pressure on you by saying it. I have never planned to let it out. It just slipped out of my mouth. I wish I could take it back. But don’t think I didn’t mean it, I just... you were so different after I told you. I don’t know. What else can I say. Adam?” Adam can hear how insecure Sauli is.

“Look, I called you, to talk about it. Because it truely scared me a little. But I like you. I really do. And I want to find out where it will lead us. I am still willing to give us a chance.” Adam pauses. “Do you think, you can wait for me?” And he can almost see Saulis smile through the phone. “Yeah, I can.” But Adam needs to say even more. “Sauli, I can’t promise anything. So if it’s not enough for you, I would understand, if you don’t want to see me anymore.” Adam pauses once again and waits. “Adam, I don’t need any promises. Not yet. We have to get to know each other better. And I’d like to find out as well where our road is leading us.” Adam smiles. “Thank you. And sorry, that I acted that strange. I was just ... I didn’t expect it and I was unsure.” “Let’s just forget about it. And now tell me, what are your plans today?” And Adam realizes once again, that Saulis day is over and his doesn’t even start. He asks himself if he can get used to this. But then he just pushes the thought away and they talk. And Adam feels better. And when they say goodbye he is happy. Even if there is still a hint of insecurity in his heart. 

***********************

Isaac looks at Tommy with worry. Tommy can feel it. “I’m ok, Isaac. Really. Just didn’t sleep enough the last days.” And Tommy knows that Isaac doesn’t believe one word. They are in a bar. A small reunion of the Glamily. Monte and Taylor will be there too. And Adam. Tommy hasn’t seen Adam since almost a week. They were both busy. And Tommy didn’t force a meeting. But tonight he will see Adam. And he was not really prepared for this. He was nervous. And Isaac must have seen this. 

“You don’t want to talk about it with me?” Isaac can’t let go. Tommy sighs. “Isaac, it doesn’t help me to talk about it. I just want to have a good time tonight and forget my problems.” “Tommy, you know that Adam will be here. He will see that you are not fine. He will ask you what the matter is. And he won’t let go like me.” Tommy knows Isaac is right. But still he doesn’t want to talk about Adam with anybody. It’s like his little secret. “Tommy, I know that your problem is Adam.” Tommy almost chokes on his beer. “How... I mean, no, it’s not. Why do you think like that?” Isaac rolls his eyes. “Tommy I just know. I know it since moths. You are kind of into him and now he is with Sauli. Am I right?” Tommy sighs once again. “Isaac, I don’t want this to be an issue. I will get over it. I have to.” And Isaac pats Tommys shoulder. “Tommy, I’m really sorry for you. I thought that you and Adam...” Tommy stops him. “Isaac, we are not. Can we please change the subject. I just want to forget for tonight that I’m hopelessly in love with a friend.” 

And before Tommy even realizes that he has just admited towards Isaac his feelings for Adam, he can hear Adams vioce right above his ear. “Do I know her?” And Tommy wishes he could just vanish into thin air right now. And he looks at Isaac, trying to find help. But Isaac is too shocked to say anything to save Tommy. And Tommys mind is swimming. “Tommy? You don’t want to talk about her? It’s ok for me. Where is Monte?” And Tommy is relieved that Adam changed the subject. But he knows that it’s not finished and that they will get back to this. 

And then Monte is there and also Taylor and they sit together and talk. Adam is talking with Monte about some ideas he has. But every now and then he is watching Tommy. He is worried about Tommy. He seems to be really sad and hurt. And Adam is a good friend, he needs to talk to Tommy. To help him. He helped him with Sauli too. He must find a quiet minute for Tommy. And after a while the time seems to be right. Tommy is alone at the bar. So Adam walks over to sit next to Tommy. Tommy looks up at him. And for a moment there is something in Tommys eyes that confuses Adam. He just can’t put a finger on it. But the moment is soon over and Tommy puts his mask on. And smiles. 

“Tommy, you know you can talk about the friend of yours you are in love with. We are friends. Maybe you will feel better when you talk with me.” Adams voice is pure comfort. “It’s ok, Adam. I don’t have the need to talk about it.” 

_ Because it’s you! I am in love with you! _

__

But Adam doesn’t let go. “Come on, Tommy. It will help you. I want to help you. You helped me the other day when we talked about Sauli. I want to be a good friend.” And Tommy knows that he has to say Adam something, because he won’t let go. And he was thinking about what to tell him since Adam heard what he said. “There is not really much to say. I mean this friend of mine is not in love with me. And in a relationship. And it’s ok for me. I will get over it.” “And you are in love with her? Is it a good friend?” Tommy has to be careful about what he will answer now. “Yeah, one of my best friends. But as I said, there is no chance for us.” Adam can feel how sad Tommy is. And it hurts him more than he would admit. “Tommy, I am sorry. Is there really no chance for you? I mean did you talk with her about your feelings? Maybe she just doesn’t give you a chance because she doesn’t know. Is she in a realtionship with this other guy since a long time?” Tommy shakes his head, not able to say anything. “Maybe it’s not serious?” Tommy sighs. He has enough, he has to stop Adam from talking. It fucking hurts. And so he is answering a little harsher then he wanted to. “Adam, please, I don’t want to talk about it now. It is like it is. There is no chance for us. I know it, ok? I just have to forget him.” 

The minute the words are out of his mouth Tommy realizes what he said. He tries not to show his own realization. Maybe Adam didn’t hear it. But of course Adam did hear. “Him? The friend is a man?” Adam is really surprised about that. And Tommy falls almost from his chair. 

_ Fuck!! I am so stupid! _

__

“No, it’s not a man. You’ve got me wrong.” He tries to get out of it. “No, you said _him_ , I am sure.” And that’s enough for Tommy. He has to get away. He jumps from his chair. “I misspoke, Adam. It’s not about a man! Please leave it now!” Tommy walks towards the restrooms. He is standing there in front of the mirror. Looking at his face. 

_ Oh my god! I am such an idiot! He won’t let go of this. And what am I suppose to tell him. Fuck my life!  _

__

And then the door opens and Adam is there. Right behind Tommy. And he is watching him in the mirrow. And Tommy knows he can’t lie to him. Adam knows him. And he looks in Adams eyes in the mirror. “Ok, you are right. I am in love with a man. And he is a friend. And there is no chance for us. And I don’t want to talk about it now anymore. Please, accept it, Adam.” And Adam hears the plea and the hurt in Tommys vioce. And he moves closer and turns Tommy around to face him. “It’s ok, Tommy. I just want you to know, that you can talk to me, if you need. I am here for you. Ok?” And then Adam hugs him. And Tommy is trembling in Adams arms. 

_ I love you so much. But I won’t tell you. I promise, I keep it to myself.  _


	10. Chapter 10

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

Adam is holding Tommy in his arms. In his head is only one thought spinning around: “Tommy is NOT straight?” And he is not able to say anything. He is just holding Tommy and trying to calm down. And this is really not easy. Because, Tommy is not straight!!! 

And he can feel Tommy is trembling. And he strokes over Tommys head. And Tommy is trying to find a way to get out of Adams embrace. But a part of him wants to stay there forever. And he knows he should stop it now because it will hurt as hell to let go. And it will hurt more if he keeps holding on. So, eventually he pulls away and tries to avoid Adams eyes. But Adam is right there. And he forces Tommy to look up in his eyes. “Hey, do you want me to bring you home?” And Tommy doesn’t have the strength to say anything, he just nods. Because he wants to be at home right now. 

They leave the restroom and Adam goes back to Isaac and tells him that they leave now because Tommy doesn’t feel right. And Isaac keeps his eyes on them when they get out of the door. And he smiles. 

Tommy feels awkward while he is in Adams car. He knows that Adam has questions for him. And he knows that Adam is just holding back, but he won’t let go. And Tommy doesn’t have a clue what to tell. He doesn’t want to give his secret away. But he is also tired keeping it to himself. It’s really hard work. And maybe it will help him to talk about it. He just have to make sure that Adam doesn’t get the hint that he is talking about him. He just has to be careful. 

And then they are in front of Tommy's house and Adam gets out and waits for Tommy to open the door. Tommy gets something to drink for them and they just sit down on the couch. And Tommy doesn’t want to talk. But Adam is looking now at him and it won’t last long and he will say something. Tommy knows that and still a prat of him is hoping that Adam will just go away. But Adam doesn’t. “Tommy? You want to talk about it?” And Tommy sighs. 

_ No, I don’t want to talk about it. But I know YOU want to talk about it.  _

__

“I don’t know what I could tell you. It’s just hopeless.” Tommy's voice is just a whisper. But Adam can still hear the hurt there. And he feels sorry for Tommy. And he can’t help himself but pulls Tommy in his arms. And Tommy grows stiff in his arms for a moment. But before Adam can even think about the reason beyond that, Tommy relaxes again. He feels good in Adams arms. “You can tell me anything you want. I have to admit, I am really surprised that you fell for a guy, you know. Somehow it knocks me out.” And Tommy must smile about it. “Yeah, I know. I was as well surprised, I can tell you. It’s like the first time I fell for a guy. It’s strange. I mean, it was strange first, because it took me some time to realize that I fell for him.” Adam stays still while he is listening to Tommy. “Maybe I fell for guys in the past too and just didn’t realize it. Or didn’t want to realize. This time there was no possibility to deny. He is different than the other guys.” 

_ Be careful Tommy! Adam is smart, don’t say something stupid.  _

__

And Adam is thinking. Tommy can hear that he is thinking hard. “What does this mean, he is different? How different?” And Tommy almost loses his mind. “I don’t know. Just different. He makes me feel different than the other guys ever did. I can’t explain. But I like the way he makes me feel, somehow. The most time I like it.” Adam can feel that Tommy is smiling. “I mean, he is... just... my soulmate. I know it’s cheesy, but I can’t say anything else. Like I have waited all my life to meet him.” Tommy sounds sad and happy at the same time. “He must be really a very special person. It’s sad that you two can’t be together. But, maybe...” Tommy pulls away. “No, Adam, we can’t be together. It’s not possible. He is with someone else and I don’t want to drag him out there. I am not like that. And I won’t say anything to him, because he is a really good guy. And he doesn’t deserve to get confused. He deserves to be happy. And I think he is. And he is a good friend, so I am happy about the fact that he is happy.” 

Adam is touched by this confession. Tommy disclaims his own happyness because he wants his friend to be happy. This is just.... this is Tommy. And Adam can’t stop himself of thinking aboput how happy he would be to be that guy. It must be amazing to be loved by Tommy. But before he can think too much about this, he feels guilty. 

_ I have to stop thinking about Tommy like that. I have Sauli and he is in love with someone else.  _

__

Tommy breaks the silence. “Adam, don’t get me wrong, but I think I want to be alone now. Thank you for being a friend, but it’s kind of hard for me to talk about it right now.” Adam nods. He is relieved, that Tommy wants him to go now. He doesn’t even know why. He has the feeling, he wants to be alone as well. They say goodbye and Adam leaves. 

He drives to his place. And for the first time since weeks he doesn’t answer his phone when Sauli calls him. But after a while he feels awful and texts Sauli. “Sorry, babe. I can’t talk to you now. Here is too loud. I call you tomorrow. Have a nice day!” And as soon as he presses “send” he feels like a piece of shit. 

And he is laying on his bed, looking up to the ceiling. Thinking. And he can’t get his head wrapped around the fact that Tommy is in love with a guy. And he feels jealous. Because he thinks he should be this guy. And what the fuck does it mean: “he is different”? Because if anybody is different then of course Adam! 

_ It should be me! Why did he fall for someone else? _

__

Adam knows he shouldn’t think like that. Because Tommy is his friend. Because he is with Sauli. Because it’s stupid to think about it. Tommy is in love with some other guy and Adam wants Tommy to be happy. But Tommy is not. Maybe Adam should try to find out who that guy is and talk with him. Maybe Tommy is wrong. Maybe they have a chance to be together. Tommy seems to be in love with him and he is so sad. Adam wants to help Tommy. 

But how to find out? Who could know that guy? 

_ Of course! If Tommy told anybody anything it was for sure Isaac.  _

__

Adam looks at his phone. It’s not that late at all. He calls Isaac. They are in another bar, not far away. So Adam picks up his keys and heads to meet Isaac and the other guys. He has to find out who this mysterious guy is who has stolen Tommys heart. 

__


	11. Chapter 11

  


The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

Tommy is laying on his bed. Lights off. Silence. He can hear his own heartbeat. Steady but fast. He can’t do anything to calm down. Even the yoga breathing doesn’t make it better. He feels strange. He just admitted to Adam that he is his soulmate. But Adam didn’t know who Tommy was talking about. And Tommy feels bad about that fact. Not that he wanted Adam to know, because he didn’t. But he feels like he used Adam for a confession that wasn’t even a real one. Just to feel a little better. But he doesn’t feel better. Because he might have said the truth but he was not honest. And Tommy is a honest person. 

He turns around and is laying now on his stomach, his head is hanging over the edge of his bed. And he takes the light switch in his hand and he switches the light on and off, on and off, on and off.... And the blood is floating in his head and he starts to see stars. And somehow he wishes he would just pass out. Because he can’t fall asleep. Then it’s too much and he turns on his back just to stare on the ceiling, while he is switching the lights on and off. And every time the light is off he sees Adams face in front of him. Those bright blue eyes, those lips, those freckles... And then he turns the light on and Adams face is gone. Until the lights go off again. 

Tommy sighs. He is almost helpless, captured in this stupid lovething. Without a possibility to get out. And now that Adam knows about it, he won’t let go. He will keep asking questions. And Tommy is a bad liar. And he hates lies. But he can’t tell Adam that he is the one. It could change their relation and make the friendship impossible. And even if it hurts to be just a friend, it’s really better than nothing at all. Better than to lose Adam. He can’t imagine to have a life without Adam. He just can’t. 

Maybe he should get away for a while and sort things out. But he can’t. He has some gigs with Monte and Adam wants to start writing new music. And of course he was so long away from his family and this year was very hard for them all. He must stay. And he must find a way to stop Adam from asking him out about his secret love. But he is too tired. And he is too busy now switching the lights on and off. And too busy thinking about how amazing it would be to have a switch to turn off the love he feels for Adam. 

*************

“Isaac, I don’t believe, he didn’t tell you who that guy is.” Adam keeps his eyes on Isaac. And he can see how nervous Isaac is. And he knows that he is about to overstep boundries to get his information. And a part of him is screeming, that he should stop asking, because he doesn’t want to know to help Tommy. No, he wants to know who this guy is because he just wants to KNOW. “Isaac, I just want to help Tommy. Let me be a good friend.” But Isaac shakes his head. “Adam, I can’t tell you. Tommy is my fried as well. And he wouldn’t want me to tell you who this guy is. I’m sure he doesn’t want you to know. If he’d want you to know, he’d tell you.” Adam knows that Isaac is right. “I know, but still… I think he should say his friend that he is in love with him. Maybe they have a chance to get something amazing together.” Isaac sighs. “Adam, all I can tell you is, that I wished I could talk with this guy and tell him how blind he is. And how amazing Tommy is. But it’s not my business. Tommy made the decision that he wants to keep his secret. We have to respect that.” Adam nods. 

But he can’t let go. “You know him?” Isaac nods. “And what do you think? Does he love Tommy back?” Isaac feels really uncomfortable. He slides back and forward in his seat. “Adam, I am not the right person to talk about this.” This can’t stop Adam. “Isaac, come on! Don’t you want to help Tommy? Just tell me what you think.” Isaac is fighting with himself. He wants to help Tommy and Adam to find out how stupid they act. On the other hand he doesn’t want to show Tommy up. But then he looks in Adams eyes and there is something telling him, that he should just say what he is thinking. “If you ask me for my personal opinion, then I can tell you: yes his friend is in love with Tommy as well. They are both just to stupid to recognize it. Both clueless. Sometimes I wish I could just smash their heads together, so they will get it. And I hope it doesn’t sound too corny, but I think they would be perfect together.” 

Adam is trying to hide that he is now really jealous. And that somehow it hurts to hear Isaac saying this. But on the other hand he wants to make Tommy happy. And obviously Tommy found someone who is perfect for him. And Adam is sure Tommy should take a chance on him. And when Isaac doesn’t want to give the name away, then Adam has to talk to Tommy. It doesn’t happen often to find someone who could be the better part of you. And when you meet that person, you should take the risk. Friendship is a good thing, but the chance to have a relationship wit your soulmate is beyond any friendship. It includes friendship and love. This is the perfect combination. Tommy must see it! 

Adam doesn’t see the look in Isaacs eyes. And when Adam leaves the bar, Isaac is just shaking his head. “Still clueless!” But he can’t do anything about it. They have to find out themselves. But maybe he gave Adam something to think about. Or maybe Tommy will get something to think about when Adam will talk to him. Isaac is hoping. 

***************

Adam is back in his place. And he is thinking about what Isaac just said to him. And he is sure he has to find a way to bring Tommy with this man together. He wants to talk to Tommy the next days. Tommy must know there is a chance for him. He just has to know. 

Adam sighs. He is happy for Tommy. He really is. On the other hand he feels miserable for himself. Because the whole thing with Tommys unfulfilled love reminds him of his own situation. He is trying to have something with Sauli. And this something is not that kind of relation that Tommy and his friend could have. And he is now sure that he won’t be happy if things would stay the way they are with Sauli. Suddenly he knows, he wants this big bang. And he wants those fucking butterflies! 


	12. Chapter 12

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

“Why am I not surprised about the fact that we have this conversation again?” Brad snorts. “I told you to fix it or to let Sauli go. And you fixed it somehow but now it seems you want to let him go. What the fuck, Adam?” Brad is angry. Adam just told him that he is not sure about him and Sauli. Again. “Why is it so hard for you to know what you want? I don’t get it.” Adam sighs. “It’s because of Tommy.” Brad look is mad. “Adam, not again! You told me, there is no chance for you both and that you have to forget Tommy. So, why do we speak about Tommy again?” “Because Tommy found someone he loves and he doesn’t want to take the chance to get happy. And he doesn’t take that chance with that guy, because he is a friend...” Brad cuts him of. “Wait! What did you say? A guy? But I thought Tommy is straight?” 

“Yeah, I thought this as well. But obviously a part of Tommy is not straight. And he fell in love with a friend. But he doesn’t want to take a chance on this friend, because he is in a relationship. But Isaac thinks that this friend is in love with Tommy as well and that they’d be perfect together. Like soulmates.” Adam stops to take a breath. Brad is laughing. “Ok, I understand some parts of that. But what I don’t understand is, what does this have to do with you and Sauli?” Adam leans his head back on the couch. “The situation reminded me of what I always wanted from a relationship. Somehow I lost my hopes for a great love. You know falling madly for someone, losing your mind, counting the seconds until you see that person... things like that. And butterflies. I want butterflies in my stomach!” 

Brad is looking at Adam in disbelief. “Of course you want, you always wanted this. I never did understand the stuff you said the last time we met. But now everything does make sense to me.” Adam looks at Brad. “I just thought, it would be enough to be with someone like Sauli. Sweet, perfect and easy. No complications, no boundries, no madness...” Brad interrupts him again. “But also no real love. How could you even think about wanting something like that for you?” Brad is laughing a bitter laugh. “You are a sucker for romantic stuff and you decided to have a rational relationship? You are really crazy.”

And Adam knows that Brad is right. This was a really stupid idea. And he has to stop this now, because he is hurting Sauli. And he is hurting himself. He has just to wait until he will find someone to love. And someone who gives him butterflies. The sad thing is, that he already found that someone. But Tommy is not available for him. Because Tommy found someone else who is perfect for him. And Adam just missed his chance while he was searching for a secure relationship without heartache. While he was wasting his and Saulis time. While he was making Sauli fall for him. And now he has to break Saulis heart, because he can never feel for him what he should feel for the person he wants to spend his life with. And this is really bad. Because Adam knows he made Sauli wait and hope. And now he has to be man enough to say Sauli the truth. 

“Brad, I don’t know what to do now?” Brad shakes his had. “You have to talk with Sauli and you have to let him go. He deserves that you are honest with him.” Adam sighs. “I know that Brad. What I mean is, how can I do this. I mean he is on the other side of the fucking world.” Brad doesn’t understand. “So, you’ll take a plane, go to Finland and talk to him?” Adam sighs again. “Brad, seriously. I would need to tell him that I want to visit him. He would be happy that I come and for sure he’d prepare some special things for me. Maybe he would want me to meet his friends. He would be excited. And then...” Brad cuts him off. “Now, I get it! Fucking distance relationships! He would think you come to be with him and you will come to break up. This is really stupid. But on the other hand, you can’t break up with him using email or phone. This would be horrible, wouldn’t it?” Adam gives a shrug. “I really don’t know what to do.” 

*********************

He doesn’t sleep that night. He keeps thinking about what he should do. He can’t go to Finnland to meet Sauli to break up with him. On the other hand he can’t do this without looking in Saulis eyes. Ok, he could, but Adam isn’t that mean. And Sauli is a really good guy. He can’t keep him waiting in a line for something that won’t happen. And then he has an idea. And he has to take it through. He takes out his phone and texts Sauli. “Babe, can we see us on skype?” But before he pushes send, he deletes ‘babe’. Sauli answers immediately. “Yes, we can. I will turn on my computer.” 

Adam takes a deep breath and opens his laptop. Then he is waiting for Sauli. “Hey, Adam! I didn’t expect to talk to you now. What time is it?” And then Sauli pauses. He sees the look in Adams eyes and even if he is thousands of miles away he can feel that something changed. “Ok, you are scaring me now. Are you breaking up with me?” Adam sighs. “Sauli, I am really sorry. But, you are right.” Sauli is holding his breath. Adam can see Sauli's heart breaking in front of him. And for a moment he is about to take it back. But he can’t. “I am really sorry...” Sauli looks in Adams eyes through the screen. “But why?” Saulis voice is just a whisper. Adam sighs again. “I just don’t feel the way you do. And I realized that what I feel is not enough. I mean I really like you and I thought that would be enough. But it’s not.” He keeps his eyes on Saulis eyes on the screen. And he can see the hurt on the other side. And he thinks that it might have been better to fly to Finland. He is not able to hug Sauli and he is sorry about that. 

“I am sorry, Sauli. I really am.” “I heard you, Adam.” Adam feels helpless. “I don’t know what I could say to make you feel better. But I am really, really sorry.” Sauli snorts. “Stop saying it. It doesn’t change the way I feel right now.” And Adam stops himself from saying again that he is sorry. “Sauli, believe me, I would like to comfort you, but i can’t. I would like to really help you, because I like you, but....” Sauli snorts louder. “I’ve got it, Adam. You like me, but you don’t love me. And believe me a part of me is happy about your honesty. But a much bigger part of me is just angry. You knew that I fell for you and you made me wait. I know you said, you make no promises, but still... I was hoping. And I blame you for making me hope.” Adam knows he deserves that. He just listens. “I am really angry now. And I wished you’d be here, so I could punch you or something.” Saulis voice is really sad now. He pauses for a while. 

“Is he worth it?” He asks suddenly. “What? Sauli, there is no one else.” “If you say so.” Adam is confused. “Sauli, really, I am not like that. I was just dating you and nobody is the reason for this now. It’s my fault alone.” And Sauli looks for a second away with a bitter smile on his face. “I know what I have seen. But maybe you don’t see it. I always knew that there is someone between us.” Adam shakes his head. “No, you are wrong. There is no one.” But Sauli looks back in Adams eyes. “Adam stop lying to yourself. The whole time there was someone between us. You should know that. But it doesn’t metter now.” Sauli sighs. “Ok, I just want to finish now. And please don’t tell me we could stay friends right now. I can’t handle it. Just say goodbye.” Adam nods “Goodbye, Sauli.” Adam can see Sauli reaching out to turn the camera off, but before he does he looks one last time in Adams eyes. “And Adam, talk to Tommy.” And then he is gone. 


	13. Chapter 13

  
The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

Adam is sitting with Brad in a corner in Adam's living room. Adam invited all his friends to his new place. Just a small party. The other guests are partying around them. And he takes his chance to talk to Brad. “So you broke up with Sauli. I am sure it was hard to do?” Adam nods. “Yeah, it was kind of strange doing it via internet. But still I saw his heart breaking and he was really hurt. I felt like an asshole. Really.” Adam pauses and looks around to make sure nobody is listening. He lowers his head towards Brad. “He told me he felt that there was always someone between us. And then he told me to talk to Tommy.” Brad is somehow surprised. But somehow he’s not. “So, he noticed that?” Adam nods again. 

Adam takes a sip out of his glass. “Am I acting so obvious about my feelings for Tommy?” Brad sighs. “Sometimes you are. But I don’t think that Tommy knows it. And even if he knows, it doesn’t seem to bother him, does it?” Adam is looking at Brad in shock. “No, Brad. He doesn’t know and I don’t want him to know. I mean, he is in love with somone else. And he is confused enough. He doesn’t need to know that I am in love with him.” Brad smiles. “And here we go. You just said it.” Adam gives him a strange look. “You admitted that you are in love with him. And what do you want to do with it?” Adam snorts. “Nothing.” Brad gets up. “Ok, you can do what you want. But think about what you have said to me about Tommy.” Brad pauses to let Adam think about his words. But Adam doesn’t get it. “Adam, you said he should take a chance on his friend. And why don’t you do the same?” Adam has no words. “Because… this is different. Brad, you know I can’t.” Brad pats Adams shoulder. “Whatever you say, honey! I will get myself something to drink.” 

********************

Tommy is sitting with Isaac. They are at the bar in Adam's new place. “Isaac, it doesn’t change anything.” Tommy is upset. Isaac rolls his eyes. “Why not, Tommy? You said, you couldn’t be with him, because he was with this guy. They broke up. What is now your excuse?” “Isaac, he just broke up with his boyfriend. He doesn’t need more drama in his life I think. Besides he is not in love with me. And if I will tell him that I am… things would become strange between us. And I don’t want to lose him. I just can’t face losing him. I can’t.” Isaac can hear the hurt in Tommys voice. And he is struggling with himself. But he can’t do anything. And he just pats Tommys back. “I can understand you somehow. But I think you should tell him. I really think you should.” Tommy shakes his head and Isaac knows that now it’s time to change the subject. 

*************

Brad is standing near Isaac and Tommy. And he is listening. He doesn’t mean to, it just happens anyway. And he tries to put things together. And as soon as he is done, he has to stop himself from crying out loud. He is not sure, but he will find out if he is right. He is thinking about what Adam told him. Tommy is in love with a really good friend of him. Didn’t he say something about like his best friend? And he also said, that this friend is in an relationship but not in a longtime one. And now Tommy and Isaac were talking about the breakup of this friend. 

_ Fuck, it has to be Adam. I can’t believe that Adam and some other good friend of Tommy were breaking with their boyfriends at the same time. It’s not possible! Holy Jesus! Tommy is in love with Adam! I need a drink.  _

And Brad gets something to drink. He wants to be sure before he can even think about talking to Adam about what he thinks he just found out. So he decides to watch Tommy. And Brad is a good watcher. He is patient. He sits down on the barstool and waits. And he can see Tommy talking with different people while Adam is on the other side of the room. Tommy's eyes are searching for Adam every now and then. And it doesn’t last long and he can see Tommy walking over to Adam. And he can see the way he is looking and smiling at Adam. And Brad shakes his head because all he can see is affection. And he doesn’t understand why he hasn’t seen it until yet. And Adam is smiling at Tommy in nearly the same way. And Brad is almost laughing about the way Tommy and Adam are saying with their eyes and their bodies what they can’t admit with words. 

And he keeps watching them. After a while they sit down on the couch and talk. And they are laughing at each others face. And he can see that they use every possibility to touch each other. Even if it’s just for a second. And he is amused about them. And some drinks later they are sitting really close together. Tommy's head is on Adam's shoulder. And Adam's arm is around Tommy's back. And Brad is almost gasping when he sees that theirs fingers are intertwined. They don’t even realize that they are holding hands. And this would be fucking hilarious when they were strangers to Brad. But instead it just hurts him to see them together but still apart. And suddenly he can’t take it anymore. He looks around and sees Isaac. And Isaac has his eyes as well on Adam and Tommy. 

Brad walks over to Isaac. He tries to sound as casual as possible when he starts to talk to Isaac. “They are probably the silliest guys in the world, arent’s they?” And Isaac answers without thinking. “Yes they are. Sometimes I wish, I could put them in a room together and force them to…” Than Isaacs wides his eyes. “Fuck, I didn’t...” Brad pats his arm and laughs. “Sorry, I just needed to know, if it’s just me who can see it. But I am not. They are perfect together. And if it would be a movie I would lean back in the cinema seat and just sigh.” Isaac smiles. “I know what you mean. They are really a lost case. And believe me, I have tried to make it easier for them to get the hint. But there is no way.” They look over to Adam and Tommy just in time to see Tommys finger stroking over Adams arm while he is talking with someone else. And Adams hand is in Tommys hair. “I can’t believe it!” Brad is biting on his lip. “We have to do something Isaac!” 

Isaac shakes his head. “I can’t. I am a friend of both. I have talked to Tommy to make him do the first step. But I failed. Then I was trying to make Adam talk to Tommy. I was sure he would talk to Tommy after I told him that I am sure that Tommy and this friend would be perfect for each other. But as we see: no results of my efforts.” Brad wrinkles his nose. “We need to say it out loud.” Isaac shakes his head. “No, they have to get it out themselves.” “Yes, of course, but we have to put them in the right direction. And maybe you are too afraid to do something because you are friend of both of them. But I am Adam's friend for such a long time. And I am sure I could live with an angry Tommy. But I can’t imagine one of them will be angry, once they will be together.” Brad looks again over to Adam and Tommy. “Isaac, I just can’t keep my big mouth shut.” He smirks at Isaac. “Brad, do whatever you think you have to do. I am on your side.” And they clink their glasses and watch Adam and Tommy doing their silly dance. And they smile when they see Adam kissing Tommy's head. 

******************

Adam closes the door of his place after he brought Tommy to the cab. He can still feel the hug they gave eachother just minutes ago. And he is leaning with his forehead against the closed door. 

_ Fuck! I am going crazy! _

Then he hears a laugh behind him. He turns around and there is Brad. “I just called a car for me. It will be here in a few minutes. Can I leave you alone?” Adam nods. “Yeah, I am fine. A little too drunk and fucking tired, but fine.” Brad smiles at Adam. “Is Tommy ok?” Adam looks at him with confusion in his eyes. “Why do you ask? Did I miss something?” Brad is trying hard to keep his voice calm. He must not make a mistake right now. “I heard him saying that the guy he is in love with broke up with his boyfriend. So I thought he wanted to talk with you about it.” Adam shakes his head. And then Brads car is there and he leaves. 

_ I hope I gave you something to think about. And now I just have to wait. I will see soon if it worked out.  _

And Brad takes his phone in his hand while he is sitting in the cab. And after a few minutes he gets a call. He smiles as he sees Adams picture on the screen. He tries to sound cool. “Did I forget something?” But Adam doesn’t listen. “Brad, the friend Tommy was talking about. The friend he is in love with. The friend who was in relationship and broke up with his boyfriend.” Adam has to stop to take a breath. Brad is almost lauging. “Fuck, Brad, tell me. Could it be... is it me?” And Brad can’t hold back anymore. “Yes, you fool! Tommy is in love with YOU.” He is almost hysterical now that Adam finally find out. And Adam is speechless. He drops the phone and all Brad can hear before the line goes dead is “Oh my god, I am such an idiot.” And Brad nods and smiles. 

__

__


	14. Chapter 14

  


The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

Tommy feels like he could slap himself. He is sitting in the cab and he is on his way home. He can still feel Adams arms around him from the last hug. And he remembers all the small touches he shared with Adam. He can’t believe how desperate he was for Adams touch. It’s almost embarrassing how he was searching for any possibility to touch. He was somehow using Adam for his needs. And he was using the fact that Adam must have been sad because of Sauli. And he was using the fact that Adam likes to cuddle. He used Adam just to satisfy his own longing. How does he get this far? He was so desperate for Adam that he forgot about any resistence. And now he is ashamed. Ashamed but also turned on. 

Tommy steps out of the cab. His body is burning. He opens the door to his apartment and he starts immediately to pull off his clothes as soon as door shuts behind him. He is throwing them on the floor on his way to his bathroom. He needs to calm down. His body is yearning for Adam's touch. He needs a cold shower. He turns on the water and while he is stripping out of his briefs he can’t believe that he is still half hard. It’s like his body would still feel Adam's hands on him. He steps in the shower. And he closes his eyes for a moment while the water is running over his head. 

But as soon as his eyes are shut he can see Adam in front of him. And he can feel Adam's hands on him. Touching him. And his longing for Adam is aching in his body. But it’s his own fault that he is now desperate for a touch. He was just to long under Adam's spell. And now there is a hunger under his skin. And he has to satisfy this hunger. And he sets one hand on the wall in the shower. And his other hand is wandering down on his body. And he doesn’t waste time. His hand is in the next second around his cock. And he starts to stroke himself in fast and smooth moves. And he imagines Adam would be there with him. And Adam would kiss him. And he can imagine Adam's hands all over him. And his movements are getting faster and faster. And soon an orgasm is thrilling his body. And when it’s over, he leans with his head against the shower wall and lets the water wash everything away. But his pain and his unfullfilled desires just don’t go away. He turns the water off and steps out of the shower. 

Then he is laying on his bed and is thinking. He has to have one more rule: no more drinking when he is near Adam. Because when he is drunk he can’t stop from touching and hugging. And now he is drunk enough to feel stupid and embarressed for using his friend for a sex fantasy. But he is not drunk enough to just fall asleep. And he knows that all the heartache is just a part of the pain. Because his body is aching too and this is almost as bad as the heartache. 

**************

Adam is restless. He is walking around his place. He can’t just stop and sit down. And he keeps thinking about the last months. And now he can clearly see what wasn’t visible in the fog until tonight. And he can’t really get over the fact how blind he was. Then he is just thinking about the last hours. Tommy was almost the whole evening glued to him. And this was for sure not the first time. And know that Adam knows he remembers all the signs, he just ignored. All the looks, the touches, the hugs. 

And he is wishing he could just go over to Tommy and say something like: ‘Hey, I know you love me. And I love you too.” But it’s in the middle of the night and he can’t do this like that. He has to think about what to do. But he is just to excited to be able to think about a plan. Excited and restless and happy. He jumps on his bed. Then he is laying on his back and looking on the ceiling. And he is smiling. But after a while he is laughing. Laughing in happiness. Because here is he now laying alone and restless while he can feel the fucking butterflies in his stomach. And he can’t stop to laugh.

********

Adam wakes up really early. He can’t stay in his bed. Today is the first day he will spend knowing that Tommy loves him. So it’s time to get up. He has to see Tommy. Ok, maybe Tommy won’t be happy to see Adam at 8 o’clock in the morning. But Adam can’t wait any longer. He takes a shower and put some casual clothes on. Then he drives to a small café near Tommys place and get some coffee and donuts and bagels. He can’t stop smiling. He was smiling the whole night and the whole morning. And he likes it. 

He rings the bell and waits. After a few minutes he rings again. Then he can hear Tommy's viose through the intercom. It sounds very sleepy. “Yeah?” “Tommy it’s me!” Tommy's voice breaks a little “Adam? Are you alright?” Adam laughs. “Yes. Let me in!” He can hear the door opener and gets in. Then he is at Tommy's door. Tommy left the door open and Adam gets in. Tommy is in the bathroom and takes a shower. Obviously he wasn’t up until yet. Adam sits down and soon Tommy is there. “Ok, what did I miss? Do we have a show or something? I can be ready in five!” Adam laughs at him. “No, calm down. I just wanted to see you. I brought coffee and breakfast. Just sit down and enjoy.” 

Tommy sits down beside Adam. And Adam can’t stop watching him. Tommy is really beautiful. And Adam is amazed how good he smells. And it’s like he hasn’t watched Tommy since ages. Like he didn’t allowed himself to really watch Tommy until yet. Probably it was really like that. Because until yet Tommy was his friend, his straight friend. And now it’s different. Tommy is the man he loves and the man he wants so much. And right now it seems like these are the last minutes he can just enjoy the feeling for himself. Without Tommy knowing it. And he enjoys it. 

Tommy is too tired to see the change in Adam's face. He is just sitting there and drinking coffee. And he is waking up slowly. And he becomes aware of the man sitting on his side. And he feels happy because Adam is there. And he doesn’t want to think about how he will feel once Adam will leave him. He is just happy now and he is tired of all the negativity he felt the past weeks. He just wants to feel good and not think about what will be later. And he starts to relax as Adam lays his hand on his shoulder and pulls him to his chest. 

Adam can’t stay away from Tommy any longer. He knows he has to take the next step carefully. But he wants to feel Tommy and it’s perfect to pull Tommy to his chest. “Tommy, I wanted to talk to you.” “I know we haven’t had the time yet to talk about your breakup with Sauli. I didn’t want to ask you yesterday with all the people around.” Adam bites a smile away. “Oh, I am ok about Sauli. It was the right decision to break up with him. It just didn’t feel right.” Tommy laughs. “You did miss the big bang, didn’t you?” “Kind of. I must have been insane thinking I wouldn’t miss it.” Adam pauses, while his hand is stroking over Tommys skalp. “But this is not what I wanted to talk to you about.” Adam takes a sip of coffee. “No? So what do you want to tell me?” Adam smiles to himself. 

_ Oh, Tommy where should I start. There is so much you should know! _

__

“I wanted to talk to you about this friend of yours.” And Adam can feel how Tommy stiffens. Then Tommy pulls away from Adam and sits upright. “Adam, I don’t think I want to talk about him. It hurts too much.” Tommy gets up. “Let’s just face it: we are both not really good in love things, are we?” Adam is watching Tommy while Tommy walks over to his kitchen to get some water. “Tommy, I think we could be much better in these things, when we would be honest. Honest to ourselves and honest to the ones we love.” Tommy looks at Adam. “What do you mean?” Adam sighs and keeps his eyes on Tommy. “I broke up with Sauli because I realized that this relationship wasn’t like the one I could have. And I should have.” Adam pauses and gets up. “With the man I am in love with since I don’t know when.” 

And then Adam is right in front of Tommy. And Tommy feels weak and he can’t take his eyes away from Adam. And then Adam takes Tommy's hand and pulls it up to his mouth. And he gives Tommy a soft kiss on his hand. Tommy gasps. “And I think I should take a chance on this man. Because I think he is my soulmate.” And Adam strokes with his index finger over Tommy's cheek down to his chin and then over his lips. 

And Tommy shivers. His knees are almost giving in. He can’t think straight. “Adam, what are you doing?” His voice is scarcely audible. And then he can see that Adam is moving closer. And everything around slows down. And then Tommy can feel Adams whole body pressed against his own. And one of Adams hands is on his back, pulling him even closer. And the other hand is now on his nape. And Adam is stroking small circles over his skin. And he is looking in Tommy's eyes. And Tommy can’t barely breathe now. And Adam's face is getting closer. His breath is ghosting over Tommy's face. And then Adam's lips touch Tommy's. And it’s a soft but a really strong kiss. And there is no hesitation. Tommy is kissing immediately back. Without a second thought. And his hands are around Adam's neck, pulling him closer. And the kiss goes deeper and Tommy's tongue is caressing over Adam's bottom lip. Then Adam opens his mouth and their tongues meet to take a slow dance together. And when they eventually pull away, they just look at each other and smile. 


	15. Chapter 15

  


The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

For the first time since they know each other Tommy feels coy around Adam. Maybe it’s stupid to feel like that, but he just can’t help himself. They are standing together in his living room. Their arms around the others waists, their foreheads pressed together, their eyes locked. And Tommy can swear he hears music playing, even if the radio is off. But they are swaying in a silent dance. Timeless. Amazed. Holding on each other. 

And they both know there are things they should talk about. They must talk about. But right now in this moment they don’t want to talk. They just want to enjoy their moment of infinity. And words would just not fit there. Not right now. So they keep their eyes locked. And they pull their bodys together and the embrace it getting tighter. Closer. After all the waiting and longing they just can’t get close enough. It’s like there is still too much space between them. 

They are both afraid to break the magic of the moment. Maybe as well afraid of what will be when things will get a label. When their wishes and hopes will be named. Maybe even afraid to think about what they want. So they hold on to this moment and pretend they could stop the world around them. This moment is so precious and so fading. The beginning of something new. Something amazing. But also something scaring. 

Tommy pulls slightly away, just to be able to look at Adam's face. He lets his eyes wander over every freckle, every bruise, every wrinkle. And then he looks back in Adams eyes. Those beautiful endless deep eyes. Tommy got lost in those eyes months ago. And finally he is able to read in those eyes. To see the love in them. And he doesn’t have to look away, doesn’t have to hide anymore. And he can see that Adam is coy as well. And this is just adorable. Because Adam is usually never shy. And the realization of it hits Tommy in a place deep in his heart. And he has to smile at Adam and he puts his hands around Adams neck, pulling his head down in a tenderly kiss. And this kiss is a promise, an invitation, a revelation. 

“I want you to have a date with me” Adam smiles shyly at Tommy. “Oh, yeah?  You can wine me, dine me and 69' me.” Tommy blushes the moment the words are out of his mouth. And Adam looks at him and they both burst out with laughter. And the tension is blown away. Adam takes Tommy's hand. He can’t stop smiling. “Where do you want to go?” Tommy smiles back. “Anywhere. Just make sure we will have some privacy. I don’t want to see my face in the tabloids the next day.” “But you know Tommy, we can’t avoid being seen for long. And I don’t want to pretend that I am a single when I’m not.” Tommy strokes with his fingers over Adams cheek. “I don’t want to make a secret of us at all. I just want to have one date without beeing on twitter or youtube. I don’t want to share you with the world on our first date. I want to pretend you are all mine.” And his finger traces over Adam's lips. “Tommy I AM all yours.” And Adam pulls Tommy's lips to his own and kisses him with passion and love. 

*************

He is edgy. And he is since hours ready for Adam. And he looks at his watch almost every minute and wonders if it’s broken. He has no idea where Adam will take him for their first date. He said it would be really private and that Tommy should wear something casual. And that’s what made the whole dating thing really difficult. What do you wear when you date a rockstar and he says you have to wear casual? So Tommy spent like hours searching for a simple shirt and jeans. And now he waits in a Metallica shirt and black skinny jeans. And he looks in the mirror, on his eyes a little eyliner, his hair just in the right way. And then he starts to overthink his outfit and wants to pull the shirt off as the doorbell rings. So he sighs, takes his leather jacket and is almost running to open the door. 

Adam's eyes are wandering down Tommys body. And he thinks he should have put on something else. “You look really hot.” Adam pulls Tommy in his arms and gives him a peck on his lips. “Hi! Nice to see you, too.” Tommy smiles back. And Tommy is relieved to see how edgy Adam is. “Are you ready?” Tommy nods and Adam takes his hand while they walk to Adams car. “Will you tell me, where we go to?” Adam is grinning. “No, you have to wait until we get there.” Tommy refuses to be guided to the passangers door while he asks in faken worry: “You didn’t cook, did you?” Adam is laughing at that. “If I did, you would love it, wouldn’t you?” 

The ride takes some minutes until Tommy sees that Adam is really nervous. “What’s wrong?” Adam stops the car and looks at Tommy. “You wouldn’t believe, but I lost my way somehow.” Tommy must laugh about that. “You don’t have a navigation system? I’ve heard it helps people like you to stay on the right way?” “Haha! No, I forgot it at home. And I am now really clueless where we are and where we have to go. I feel stupid!” Tommy strokes over Adam's arm and takes his cellphone out of his pocket. “Tell me the adress, I have this app, you know.” Adam blushes a little as he looks over to Tommy. “I left the note with the fucking adress in my place!” Tommy is grinning. “So, we can just go and get it?” Adam shakes his head. “We are really late already. I made a reservation and this is almost gone now. It will be gone when we drive to my place to get the note. I can’t believe I fucked up our first date!” 

Tommy is grinning. “I am so happy that you are as nervous about this as I am.” Adam looks sadly at Tommy. “I just wanted it to be perfect. I’ve been waiting for this so long. I’ve been waiting for you. And now... I just wanted to have a perfect evening with you.” Tommy takes Adam's hand. “Adam, look at me, please!” Adam looks up. “Do you think I care about a perfect date? I just want to be with you. Anywhere. And now start the car, I have an idea what we could do.” “You have? But I wanted to take you on a date.” “You can make it up next time, if you want.” They smile as Adam starts the car and follows Tommy's directions.

************** 

“I like it here.” Adam looks up to the sky. They are sitting on the ground. Tommy managed a blanket and some candels and they’ve got mexican food and some Corona, but also some fruits. And now they are sitting under a tree in a park out of town. It’s a warm night. Adam is leaning against the tree, Tommy in front of him. And it’s perfect. They are alone. No paparrazzi, no fans, nobody around them. And the city is far away, they just see some lights in the darkness. 

While they eat Adam is looking in Tommy's eyes. After what seems an enternety Adam stops eating and is just looking. Tommy is slightly irritated. “What is? Do I have food on my face?” Adam smiles at him. “No, I’m just looking in your eyes. Did you know your eyes are brown? Dark brown?” Tommy smiles shyly back. “I kinda figured it out.” “They are just beautiful. I never had the possibility to look deep in your eyes. I was trying to stay in control and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay in control once I would dive in your eyes. And I was right.” And Adam beckons Tommy to come to him with his index finger while he is biting his bottom lip. “Come here!” And Tommy crawls slowly over to Adam. And they keep eyecontact all the time, until their lips meet. 

And they are melting into each other. Tommy moans while Adam's mouth is carressing over his lips. Slow and wet. Warm breath on his skin lets him shiver. And when they stop, Tommy lays his head in Adam's lap and looks up to him. And Adam is stroking over Tommy's face, brushing his bangs out of his face. He lets his fingers slide through Tommy's hair. “I can’t still believe that I am really here with you. It’s like a dream.” Adam kisses Tommys fingers. “Do you like the dream?” Tommy is smirking at Adam. “Yeah, Tommy, I love this dream.” Tommy gets a little up to kiss Adam on his lips. “And I, I love you. I love you so much. And I can’t think about anything else but you. Since months.” He kisses Adam again and lays back in Adams lap. 

“Tommy, I love you too. I think I am in love with you since I met you. But I never allowed those feelings to take over. I thought you were straight.” He smiles at Tommy, while he is stroking over Tommys face. “And then you started to talk about your friend you were in love with and I felt so jealous. Because the way you were talking about him made it so real and true. And when I realized that it was a man, I was angry. Because I thought it should be me. I wanted to punch that friend of yours. And then Brad helped me to realize that you’ve been talking about me.” Tommy is laughing. “Brad was the one? I thought Isaac.” “No, Isaac did his best to keep your secret and it was for sure not easy for him to see us both runing in circles.” He is laughing as well now. “We were so stupid, weren’t we? And blind. And I was such an idiot to break Saulis heart just to get away from you. And I almost broke yours.” His face has now a serious look on it. “I never ment to break your heart. You have to believe me. I was just... stupid and blind.” 

Tommy pulls Adam down to him. “It doesn’t matter now. I am here and you are here. Nothing else matters to me anymore.” And he pulls Adam in a longing kiss. At the end he looks at Adam with a grin. “I think I need to buy Brad a nice present.” And they kiss again, while the starts are shining above them. 


	16. Chapter 16

The beautiful art made by my wonderful and talented friend [bloodyrosered](http://bloodyrosered.livejournal.com/). Thank you so much!

The music is too loud for his taste. And this is not really the kind of music he likes to listen to. Dance music. And he doesn’t even like to dance at all. But he likes to watch Adam on the dancefloor. Adam is lost in the music and in the moves. His eyes are closed and he seems to enjoy himself. Tommy lets his eyes wander over Adam's face. He sees the small drops of sweat. And he likes the way his lips are curling into a small smile while he starts to turn around himself. 

And then Tommy lets his eyes wander down Adam's body. And he likes how hot his boyfriend is to look at. Everything thight around his body and all black and... hell he wishes they would be somewhere more private and he could touch. He takes a huge sip out of his drink and shakes his head. 

“Don’t you think you should be out there and dance with him?” Tommy looks at Isaac, a small grin on his face. “No, I prefer sitting here and watching.” Right after he says that he can see how a guy moves his way close to Adam. Too close if you would ask Tommy. But he is not a jealous guy, so he just drinks some more of his beer and watches. And Isaac is laughing because Tommy's face is showing that he doesn’t like what he sees. The guy puts his hand on Adam's chest and Tommy snorts loudly. “Don’t you want to go and tell him to fuck off?” Tommy sighs. He feels stupid. Because the reason why he doesn’t go over to his man is that they are not official yet. 

They are dating secretly since almost two months. It’s easy to do, because they were friends and as long as they don’t touch or kiss, nobody will think they become more. And this is a good thing. They can enjoy some privacy and Adam is all his. He doesn’t need to share. But at the same time he does share. With all the twinks on the fucking dancefloor! And now Isaac is laughing about him. And he can see that Adam tries to be polite about getting rid of the guy. But somehow it’s not that easy. The guy doesn’t get the hint or Adam is not clear enough. Adam is looking towards Tommy like he wants him to stop the guy. 

Tommy can’t stop himself from gritting his teeth when he sees that the guy puts his hand on Adams butt. That’s it, Tommy has seen enough. He jumps up and can hear that Isaac is clapping. He turnes back to Isaac and gives him the empty beer bottle. Then he starts walking towards Adam. He can see how Adam is trying to be nice to that guy and pushes him slightly away without beeing rude. Tommy doesn’t think he can be as nice as Adam is if that twink doesn’t take his hands off his man. People around him must sense that something is going on because they back off while Tommy is walking through the crowd. He can feel the anger growing in his body while he is getting closer. 

Then Adam sees him coming and the look in his face is priceless. There is something like confusion and wonder and also hope. Yeah, Adam's eyes are full of hope. And for a second Tommy is ashamed, because he didn’t have the guts to stand to his man until yet. He was too afraid to come out to the public eye and he was hurting Adam. He didn’t realize until yet that he was hurting Adam. As soon as the realization downs on him the anger clears out. He smiles at Adam and then he is right on his side. He taps the twink on his shoulder. When the guy turns around he simply smiles and says: “I think you have had enough fun with my man. I will take it from here.” The guy looks confused between Adam and Tommy. But Tommy doesn’t care about him anymore. He takes Adam's hand and pulls him closer. “Hey, my love. I missed you.” He smiles while his other hand strokes over Adam's face. And then it seems like there is just the two of them. Adam pulls him closer while his hands wander over Tommy's back. “I missed you too. It has been too long since you kissed me.” Tommy must laugh about that one, while he puts his hand on Adam's neck. Then Adam leans down and they kiss. And just like that they are official, for everybody clear to see. And Tommy is surprised that he doesn’t care that twitter might explode any minute now. 

He whispers in Adams ear: “I’m sorry it took me so long. I didn’t see I was hurting you.” Adam cups Tommy's face. “Thank you. Let us go home. Please, I need to make love to you.” Tommy grins and turns around to lead Adam through the crowd towards the exit. He waves to Isaac who is sitting with a pleased look at the bar and then they leave the club. 

When they arrive to Adam's house Adam pulls Tommy towards the bedroom. They are quiet while they undress and get under the covers. “I was so stupid not noticing that I was hurting you.” Tommy strokes over Adam's face. Adam takes his hand and kisses each finger. “Don’t be. I should have told you that it was hard for me to pretend we were just friends. But I understand that you needed time. And I was glad to be able to give that to you. I love you, it was easy to wait.” Tommy smiles and kisses Adam's nose. “I was just so caught up in the idea of having a secret to share with you. I didn’t want them to know so I could have you for myself for a while longer. Now I know it was stupid because I still have you all for myself and nobody can change that. Plus now I am able and allowed to tell all the twinks to fuck off.” Adam starts to laugh. “You are jealous! This is so cute.” “I am not jealous and this is not cute! I am not cute!” Adam snorts “Yeah you are very manly man and you wanted to be all caveman when you saw that guy on the dancefloor grabing me. It was hot.” “You liked that?” Adam nods. “You can be as possessive as you want with me baby. I like that.” 

Tommy kisses Adam tenderly. When they pull away he starts to laugh. “What?” Adam looks confused. “I was just thinking that maybe we crashed twitter tonight.” Adam laughs back then. “It was so worth it. And now do what you wanted to do.” Tommy runs his finger over Adams chest down to his stomach. “Make love to me!”. And Adam doesn’t have to be told twice. 

**************

After their relationship came out to the public there were plenty of people who wanted to talk to them. In every interview the reporters tried to get more news about them. But neither Adam nor Tommy talk about their relationship. They simply tweet that they are happy. That has to be enough yet. 

Adam is still feeling bad about Sauli. Sauli is a good guy and Adam just wants to talk things out with him. Even if they can’t stay friends, he wants to explain everything to Sauli and apologize. But he is not sure if he is allowed to call Sauli. After his new album is finished he has to go back to Europe to promote the album. He will also be in Finland so there will be a possibility to talk to Sauli. 

************** 

“Tommy! Are you at home?” Adam steps in the house yelling after his boyfriend. “Yeah, I am in the kitchen making dinner.” As soon as Adam steps in the kitchen he is surrounded by smell of tasty food. He walks over to Tommy and puts his arms around his waist while he is pressing his body against Tommys back. “What did you make us?” Tommy turns around in Adams arms and gives him a kiss. “I wanted to make something different tonight. Just take a shower and then you will see. I hope it will be good.” Adam kisses Tommy. “I am sure it will be delicous. You are a good cook and you know it.” 

After the shower Adam walks in the livingroom. Tommy lit up some candles in the room and there is some silent music on. Adam smiles about how romantic Tommy can be. He walks back to the kitchen just in time to see how Tommy is bent over the oven. Adam lets his eyes wander over Tommys backside. “Mmmh, I like to see you like that.” Tommy looks over his shoulder with a smirk on his face. “Yeah? So I should stay like that for a while?” Adams laughs. “When you can manage it?” Tommy gets shakes his butt and laughs when he can hear Adam gasp. Then Adams hands are on his body. “Hey, dinner is ready. We should eat first.” Adam growls at that. “You little shit! Teasing me like that and then pulling back?” Adam doesn’t sound as serious as he might like to. “First dinner, than I can shake my butt a little more, if you like it. And if you insist I can do it naked.” Adams gasps at that. “Now you are killing me! Get up, put the food on the table and then take off your clothes to dance for me!” 

Tommy is laughing at that. Adams lets him go to see that Tommy made lasagne. “You are amazing, but you know I will need some extra workout to get rid of the calories.” Tommy winks at Adam. “That was kind of the plan. And now get it on the table.” Adam all but runs to the living room and Tommys laughter follows him. 

One hour later they are lying naked in their bed and basking in the afterglow of amazing sex. Adam is stroking over Tommys back. “What are thinking ‘bout?” Tommy can feel that there is something on Adams mind. “You know me so well. I just wanted to talk with you about something I need to do. I am actually thinking about this since a while.” Tommy gets up to face Adam. “Ok, now I get curious. Is it something bad?” Adam takes a deep breath. “I want to meet Sauli when I will be in Finland.” He keeps his gaze loked with Tommys and can feel him freeze beside him. “Tommy, I just need to clear up things between us. I hurt him and I want to apologize.” Adam pulls Tommy closer, but still he can feel how Tommy is growing stiff in his arms. 

Tommy tries to get out of Adam's embrace but Adam doesn’t let go. “Tommy, please....” Tommy takes a deep breath. “I am not happy about that plan. I can understand that. You need it, but I just... I don’t know. I mean I trust you, but still...” Adam kisses him then tenderly. “Tommy, I don’t want to meet Sauli to make up with him. I just don’t like the way things ended between us. But I won’t meet him if it’s a problem for you.” Tommy sighs and tries again to get up. Adam doesn’t let go. “Adam, I don’t know what to say right now. I don’t want to be that kind of boyfriend who tells you what you should do or not do. But still... He is or was in love with you. So I don’t know if he won’t try to get you back. I mean I would.” 

“Tommy, I am with you and I don’t want Sauli back. I don’t want anybody else but you. Please trust me with this. As I said, I would like to do this, but if you can’t take it...” Tommy sighs again and kisses Adam. “I trust you, I really do, but a part of me wants to keep you away from everybody including Sauli. Maybe especially from Sauli. Fuck! I can’t believe that it’s that hard for me!” He closes his eyes for a minute and tries to calm down. Adam is still stroking over his back while he keeps him close to his body. Tommy opens his eyes. “Ok, if you really need to do this, then do it and then please come back to me.” His voice is almost a whisper and Adam can feel how hard this is for Tommy. “Thank you. You don’t need to worry. Tommy, I love you, I will chose you over anybody over and over again. Sauli is in no way a danger for us.” And he kisses Tommy again feeling him relaxing against him. 

*********** 

Two weeks later Adam is on his flight to Finland. He is alone, the band will follow in a few days. He has first some meetings with the finish record company and some interviews. He didn’t call Sauli yet, but he wants to meet him before Tommy gets to Finland. They talked about it and decided it that way. Tommy was still a bit jealous about the idea and Adam had to promise to call him when he knew when the meeting would be. And then of course right after it. 

As soon as Adam arrives at his hotel he diales Sauli's number. He is nervous and hopes Sauli will pick up. Instead he can hear Saulis mailbox saying that he will call back. Adam sits down on his bed. He is dissapointed about that but he needs to get ready for his first meeting. So he takes a shower and gets ready. His phone goes off while he is sitting in the cab on his way to his meeting. He stares for a second on the display to see that it’s Sauli calling him. He takes a deep breath and takes the call. “Hey Sauli!” He closes his eyes. “Adam, what took you so long to call me?” Sauli is laughing and Adam can feel the relief floating over his body. “I just didn’t know if I could call you after what happened.” Sauli is still laughing. “I know I was pretty mad at you but come on it’s like ages ago. I was hoping you would call me.” Adam smiles at that. “I would like to meet you. You know, to clear things out between us. I really like you and I don’t like the way we ended the things. I mean the way I ended it. Can I see you?” Sauli is silent for a minute. “Does Tommy know that you want to see me?” Adam nods though Sauli can’t see him. “Yes, he knows. He isn’t exactly happy about it.” Sauli is again silent. “Ok, let us meet, but we have to chose a place where we are not too public.” They fix a date. “I am looking forward to see you Adam. Bye.” 

As soon as he quits the call, he diales Tommy's number. He can hear that Tommy was asleep until he called. He smiles imagening how Tommy is looking now. He likes to see Tommy right after he wakes up. “Hey baby! Sorry for waking you up.” Tommy mumbles something that sounds like “no problem” and Adam chuckles at that. “I wished I could see you right now.” Tommy laughs. “I can send you a pic, but it’s not really that nice at all.” Adam sighs. “I am already missing you. You make me smile.” He pauses a bit. “I will meet Sauli the day after tomorrow.” Tommy sighs at that. “Ok.” Adam knows that it’s hard for Tommy. “Baby, you know you can trust me with this?” Tommy sighs again. “Yeah I know that.” Adam smiles. “Tommy I love you. I really do. You know that.” “I love you too. And I can’t wait to see you in three days. Please get whatever is not cleared between you and Sauli out of the way. I really trust you. But I will feel better when it’s done.” 

********** 

They meet as some restaurant in Helsinki. Sauli is waiting for him and gets up when he sees him. It’s awkward for a second, because Adam doesn’t know how to act. But Sauli just gets over to him and hugs him. He looks up at Adam after the hug and Adam can remember why he wanted to have something real with Sauli. A small part of him is still sad that it didn’t work out. They sit down and Sauli smiles at him. “I am really happy to see you. How are you?” Adam's smiles back. “I am really good. Things are good right now. The album is doing really well.” “Are you happy? I mean with Tommy?” Sauli's vioce has a hint of sadness. “Tommy is the one for me. He completes me. I am really happy.” Sauli smiles a sad smile. “I am happy for you. Even if it still hurts.” Adam sighs. “You know that I am really sorry about how things went between us. I was just... I don’t know. I never ment to break your heart.” Sauli lifts his hand to stop Adam. “Adam, I am still dealing with our breakup. I am not mad anymore, I am just a bit sad. And somehow I hate Tommy, but not really. He makes you happy, so I can’t really hate him. But still... “ Sauli sighs, Adam waits for him to continue. “I want you to know that I am not mad at you anymore and I would like to be a friend in future. I am not ready now for this, but I will get there.” Adam can’t stop himself from reaching out to take Saulis hand. “I would like that.” Saulis smile seems happier now. “Enough sad things for the evening. Let us eat something and change the subject. “ Adam agrees with that and the rest of the evening is more releaxed. He can imagine that they will be able to become friends. 

************* 

He sends Tommy a text because Tommy is on his flight to Finland. He writes that he can’t wait to see him and that he should call him when he gets there. Adam can’t wait to take Tommy in his arms. He gets in his bed and falls asleep within a few minutes. He wakes up to his phone doing a silly dance on the nightstand. It’s Tommy. “Hey baby! Where are you?” Tommy is laughing through the line. “Right in front of your room.” Adam jumps up to open the door. He pulls Tommy inside and kisses him. Tommy is smiling into the kiss. “Oh my god. I missed you so much.” Adam is kissing Tommy's face over and over again. And Tommy just lets him. And he doesn’t stop Adam from undressing him. And for sure he doesn’t stop him when his mouth keeps wandering over his body. 

Afterwards they lie on the bed, Tommy's head on Adam's chest, Adam's arms tight around him. Tommy looks in Adam's eyes. Adam has to smile knowing that Tommy wants to know about the meeting with Sauli. “It went well Tommy. I think we have a chance to become friends someday. For know things are cleared between us. He is still sad about the breakup but he isn’t mad about it. I feel better. Thank you for your trust.” He kisses Tommy's forehead. “I am glad for you. I am kind of ashamed about how jealous I was. But I couldn’t help myself. I just want you to be all mine. Only mine.” Adam has to smile at this. “Yeah? You don’t want to share?” Tommy shakes his head. “No, I don’t want to share. It’s hard enough to share you with the fans. So if anybody wants to step between us, sorry but I will have to kill him!” Adam has to laugh about it. Tommy keeps their eyes locked. “Ok, maybe I wouldn’t kill. Still I want you to know that I will shelter our relationship from anything and anybody. And be sure I will marry you one day and I will be with you even when we become old and wrinkled. No matter what will happen, I will stand by you.” Adam can feel tears pushing in his eyes. “Tommy, wow. I am speechless, I mean, wow. This is all I want. I love you so much!” And then they kiss. 

*************

Years later when they exchange their vows Tommy remembers that night in Helsinki. He looks at his husband right after they kiss for the first time as a married couple and he smiles. Everything he ever wanted became true. He can’t help grinning while he is looking at his husband. The word is running around in his mind. He looks around to see all the family members and their friends. His eyes stop on Sauli who is standing there with his husband. And he is happy that the things went well for all of them. He can’t wait to dance with his husband, even if the music will be too loud and not really his taste. The man beside him is everything that matters at all. 

THE END. 


End file.
